Thankful....really?

I was reading a blog that I read literally almost everynight (even when she doesnt post new things...i read the old) and she always has something new and uplifting to say. Well, tonight she wrote a challenge for her readers. She challenged us to take some time tomorrow and write down something that we really are not thankful for....that way even though the words hurt we learn not to question or blame God and instead thank Him. So, I challenged myself. No, I have not written anything down yet...but I have already come up with a few things. Maybe you could complete her challenge as well....I dont know what I'm expecting to happen or when God will speak to me, but I know He will. So here it goes....you're going to see what I will not be thanking God for tomorrow at Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for....

My husband being deployed every other year. (I know God is watching over him and will bring him home~so I must be thankful for him leaving, right?)

Our infertility and 3 angel babies. (I really wish God would just tell me why and make my pain go away).

My friends who are hurting....(God you must have given them this pain for some reason.)

The oceans between me and my family. (I wrote...you're saying me on gas. haha. But it hurts to not see them or hug them, but I'm hoping this is for a reason.)

Well, now that I have written it I am going to ponder on each of them and really try to find something about these situations that I can be thankful for....as hard as it will be. The blogger that challenged us lost her daughter shortly after birth. So, I ask myself "Should I be thankful that I lost mine so early so I didnt have to experience burying my child?" That seems so selfish of me...but its the only thing I can come up with to be thankful for in my case. The pain of not having my babies here is greater than I ever imagined. While my tears do not come every night like they used to, I do sometimes cry in the shower when I think 'I shouldnt be have time to shower, I should be getting ready for a baby'. God is healing my heart and taking away my anger. Anger about why I cannot just create a life, safely bring it into this world after a healthy 9 months and be the mother that I always dreamed Iwould someday become....now, I'm not so angry. I've been through the motions of grief. God has spoken to me at the most rarest of times. I was talking to a friend who is going through a divorce and it dawned on me that I was telling her she shouldnt ask "why me" because God doesnt punish us; He gives us opportunities to rejoice in His word. Well, God I'm sorry I didnt act on it at the time...but I'm hearing you now. I do not blame you, I am not angry, I'm sorry I yelled at you and begged you to bring my babies back that I know are in Heaven celebrating by your side.

Thankful....I'm thankful alright. I'm thankful that God will someday allow me to join His home and finally meet my babies, my grandfather, great grandmother, and my great uncles. I'm thankful that YOU gave me a body to enjoy for however long you see fit and thankful that I have many people who love me and appreciate my life. I AM thankful God. Just not ready to say thanks for all of the pain that I have experienced....Give me time, you know I always come around.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Perhaps Angie's challenge will touch someone's life or have them think long and hard about why we should be thankful for our pain, anger and tears.

For those of you who do not know this already I have been hinting about changing my career path from Business or Civil Servant to Educator. Well, I have officially made the jump. I am beginning Graduate school for Masters in Education Cross Categorical, Special Education! (a mouth full when explaining) I am so excited and very nervous about stepping into this path. It is completely different than my customer service/supervisor background. I am looking forward to working with special needs children, discovering their individual and unique personalities. I think the hardest part will be having to say goodbye at the end of each day. Beginning in the next few weeks I have to start volunteering at many schools to accumulate 100 hours of experience. My degree will hopefully only take 15 months to complete considering I do not take any breaks (you know, when hubby comes home). So, I'm sure I'll have plenty of unique students, funny moments, and frustrating (from homework) stories to share over the next 1.5 years. Bare with me if I am distant I plan to give 110% just like with my other degrees. Starting next month I'll be preparing for the PRAXIS I & II so please keep me in your prayers that I can overcome my fear of tests and achieve my goal of having my very own Special Needs Classroom filled with many unique personalities.

BANG BANG BANG

For my birthday gift (to myself) I patiently waited....(-2) days before my bday to visit a gun range in Waikiki with my friend Marissa. I figured I needed time to improve my skills in case I actually do the police academy thing next summer. It was ALOT of fun...Here are a few photos of the adventure. I had the great pleasure of handling

22 Cal. Ruger

(hard to aim & loud)

38 S&W Revolver

(my FAVORITE) want one

in PINK please ....hint hint honey

Glock 21/ Colt 45

(this stupid thing kept

jamming on me)

9mm Springfield XD9

(this one I hit the bullseye

with after the instructor helped me)

S&W/ Ruger 44 Magnum AKA DIRTY HARRY (this bad boy left a pain in my wrist and I gently put it down after the first shot in order to regain my composure.) THE BEST SHOTS EVER...I felt like a real life cowgirl from the 1800's hehe!

We discovered that the range has a membership that allows you to bring your own weapon and purchase ammo....SO I think once hubby returns we will be joining this (instead of a gym..haha). I of course was convinced to upgrade my package and received 20 extra shots (but I do not remember getting those extra 20...hmm apparently 100 was not enough for me.)

I can say we will DEFINATELY be going back for a second, third, fourth, fifth hundreth time.

Thanks to Hawaii Gun Club for MAKING MY DAY!

First of all, I would like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister. She turns 26 today!

I got a little creative (mostly due to boredom) with our pumpkins and decorated them for Jeff....hoping to put a smile on his face since he isn't here to stuff candy in it.

We also gave out playdoh instead of candy...I recently returned from the dentist where I was told I needed ALOT of work and next week (the day after my bday) Im getting a root canal so in my efforts to spare children this pain....I opted for something that can ruin parents' carpets, stain clothing and possibly be eaten by youngsters....hehe. See, I can do this because I dont have children. My original idea was to put the playdoh in a bucket filled with green jello and make the kids reach in for them, but instead we walked around and handed out the playdoh instead.

Lucki and Makai dressed up too. Lucki even got a little bored with walking (since I wouldnt let him chase the other dogs) and took a ride in the stroller. He actually stayed in there without any problems for the entire time. It's just a proud moment in my life as a dog mom!