Monday, December 29, 2008
Im having a great time.
I have been able to see my Parents, my GrandmaAnna, Lucy, Mama Hope (Lucy's mom), Krissy, Robbie, RJ (cousin), Hailey, Aunt Sue, Uncle Ray, Jamison, Jennifer, Coben, Baby Alexia, Sarah.....
Now, I just need to see Tasha, Carrie, Baby Alexis, Melynie, Ashly, Teena, and a few other people.
Im super excited that I can see all of my bestest friends and enjoy many laughs and great times. I wish that I could stay longer, but I need to get home to my doggies and my Christmas presents waiting at home for me.
I'll post pics later.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I called dad....at least 4 times that day to give him the information. He promised to keep it a secret from mom. So 8 hours later, I was on a plane to South Carolina. During my layover, in Dallas, I got a text from my mom saying "so when are you coming in..." WHAT?!!
She claims she woke up with "mother's intuition" and new something was going on. Plus, she added that my dad cannot lie very well. So, with only 2 hours left until I would arrive at GSP she figured it out and quickly prepared for my visit. It was still a good surprise for her. Of course, this Christmas morning my cards and gifts are sitting under my tree (in Hawaii) still wrapped waiting for my return next week.
It's great to be here...but, OMGosh it's freezing. The moment i stepped into Dallas I could see my breath....which has been warmly hiding since we moved to Hawaii. My toes are frozen and my nose is cherry red....it's a funny sight. Everyone claims that its warm here...but I beg to differ.
So far, I've spent most of my time with one my best friends....Anna and her daughter Lucy. The last time I saw them was during my visit in 2006. Not much has changed except....well, Lucy. It was funny getting her to open up to me..but she's quite comfy now. She constantly yells....AUNT ETHAL!!!! Which is my nickname from the McCorkle family (Anna's parents). Its been alot of fun...
My agenda is quite important and full of tasty treats.
1. Enjoy chick-fil-A (completed 10-22)
2. Enjoy Zaxby's (completed 10-23)
3. Enjoy Fatz cafe (completed 10-24)4. Shop at Victoria Secret (completed a few times!)
5. Shop at Target (completed 10-22)
6. Bring home souvenirs from each place....for friends.
7. Visit Anna, Krissy, Teena, Tasha, parents, family...etc. (too many to count) (almost completed)
8. Stay warm! (thanks to Anna...my new coat is keeping me warm.)
9. Go out with folks and friends for New Years...
10. Enjoy parents hot tub. (enjoyed a few times!!!)
Merry christmas and Happy New Years Day.
I also wanted to share a few photos from my visit but the link is not working so check them out in my myspace photos..under SC visit Dec. 2008. So far, I've met Santa...he surprised us while visiting some family friends...he forgot to bring Jeff with him though...so I kicked him out. I also took lots of pics with Lucy. You should compare our pictures from 2006 (under my photos) and see how much she's grown.
I hope everyone has a blessed Christmas with many memories and smiles. The Lord has blessed us greatly and stayed with us as we overcame many obstacles and continue to climb. I hope everyone feels his blessings this holiday season. Ill post more pics and more updates as my week goes on.....Sunday one of my bestestesteset friends is coming to visit from Georgia with her baby so I"ll have more pics nad updates to share.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
How many more of you will do this??? I think this is a great way to get your priorities in line....remember to LIVE and enjoy life first...then stress.
1. Become closer to God
2. Move to Colorado (January 2010)
3. Have a baby (someday?)
4. Finish my Master's in Education (May 2009)
5. Become a Certified Teacher in Colorado
6. Purchase Jeff's first bike (October 2009)
7. Give back to my parents/in laws (BIG TIME)
8. Donate to children in honor of our 3 angel babies
9. Do something special for Jeff
10. Finish losing weight
11. Continue 8 miles a day (even after Jeff returns)
12. Save for baby fund
13. Save for Italy fund (2011)
14. Visit after my sister has her baby (March 2009)
15. Drive from Colorado to SC and PA
16. Visit DisneyLand or DisneyWorld
17. Become a full time teacher in Colorado
18. Keep up my 3.9 GPA...or get 4.0
19. Read the entire bible
20.Become debt free (minus Student loans)
21. Make another deployment scrapbook
22. Encourage hubby to finish school
23. Strengthen my marriage
24. Make a new friend every month
25. Mow the backyard (anyday now.....hmmm)
26. Deal with my grief from the miscarriages
27. Continue fertility options
28. Try a new meal (something I would never consider)
29. Find out why Lucki scratches so much.
30. Save for a deposit on a new home (in about 8 years)
31. Trade in our cars for a safe SUV
32. Enjoy Colorado's snow
33. Call my sister's more often
34. Enjoy 5 moments w/o cell phone or interruption (WITH HUBBY OF COURSE)
35. Pray outside of the box (little inside thing)
36. Finish my homework sooner than 1 day before due date
37. Study for the Praxis exams
38. Ace the Praxis exams
39. Learn to be a little more patient
40. Clean my house from corner to corner monthly....or bi-monthly LOL
41. Sing louder in church
42. Send out christmas cards with Jeff photoshopped in the pic
43. Get an oil change every 3,000 miles without hubby nagging me.
44. Start Jeff's car during this deployment every week.
45. Learn to be thankful for little things....like my puppies kisses.
46. Maintain garden in Hawaii AND Colorado (except in the snow)
47. STAND UP FOR MYSELF!
48. Work on my hearing (hmm..what'd you say?)
49. Host a great Christmas brunch
50. Improve my aim (at the range)
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I am thankful for....
My husband being deployed every other year. (I know God is watching over him and will bring him home~so I must be thankful for him leaving, right?)
Our infertility and 3 angel babies. (I really wish God would just tell me why and make my pain go away).
My friends who are hurting....(God you must have given them this pain for some reason.)
The oceans between me and my family. (I wrote...you're saying me on gas. haha. But it hurts to not see them or hug them, but I'm hoping this is for a reason.)
Well, now that I have written it I am going to ponder on each of them and really try to find something about these situations that I can be thankful for....as hard as it will be. The blogger that challenged us lost her daughter shortly after birth. So, I ask myself "Should I be thankful that I lost mine so early so I didnt have to experience burying my child?" That seems so selfish of me...but its the only thing I can come up with to be thankful for in my case. The pain of not having my babies here is greater than I ever imagined. While my tears do not come every night like they used to, I do sometimes cry in the shower when I think 'I shouldnt be have time to shower, I should be getting ready for a baby'. God is healing my heart and taking away my anger. Anger about why I cannot just create a life, safely bring it into this world after a healthy 9 months and be the mother that I always dreamed Iwould someday become....now, I'm not so angry. I've been through the motions of grief. God has spoken to me at the most rarest of times. I was talking to a friend who is going through a divorce and it dawned on me that I was telling her she shouldnt ask "why me" because God doesnt punish us; He gives us opportunities to rejoice in His word. Well, God I'm sorry I didnt act on it at the time...but I'm hearing you now. I do not blame you, I am not angry, I'm sorry I yelled at you and begged you to bring my babies back that I know are in Heaven celebrating by your side.
Thankful....I'm thankful alright. I'm thankful that God will someday allow me to join His home and finally meet my babies, my grandfather, great grandmother, and my great uncles. I'm thankful that YOU gave me a body to enjoy for however long you see fit and thankful that I have many people who love me and appreciate my life. I AM thankful God. Just not ready to say thanks for all of the pain that I have experienced....Give me time, you know I always come around.
I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Perhaps Angie's challenge will touch someone's life or have them think long and hard about why we should be thankful for our pain, anger and tears.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
We also gave out playdoh instead of candy...I recently returned from the dentist where I was told I needed ALOT of work and next week (the day after my bday) Im getting a root canal so in my efforts to spare children this pain....I opted for something that can ruin parents' carpets, stain clothing and possibly be eaten by youngsters....hehe. See, I can do this because I dont have children. My original idea was to put the playdoh in a bucket filled with green jello and make the kids reach in for them, but instead we walked around and handed out the playdoh instead.
Lucki and Makai dressed up too. Lucki even got a little bored with walking (since I wouldnt let him chase the other dogs) and took a ride in the stroller. He actually stayed in there without any problems for the entire time. It's just a proud moment in my life as a dog mom!
Friday, October 31, 2008
IT'S NOT FAIR!
NO, I'M NOT OK.
I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME!
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO BE PARENTS???
WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?
I CANNOT STOP CRYING.
HELP ME JEFF!
Those are my true feelings. Feelings that I do not want to burden him with while he works to help the Iraqi people. I do not have any friends who understand. So, while I sit and hold these beautiful babies that God gave my friends, cousins, sisters, family members I want to say "little one, before you came did you have a number while waiting for a mommy?" If you haven't lost a pregnancy or said goodbye to someone you never met you cannot possibly understand what it feels like. I remember saying to Jeff on May 23, 2008 'I have something to tell you...you're going to be a daddy". I remember hearing his expressions and knowing that he had a huge smile on his face and while our excitement continued the day we saw the heartbeat for the first time I just remember thinking "this time next year.....we will have a newborn". Well, it's been 4 months and two more losses....and still not any closer to a newborn. When will it be my turn?
I guess this entry should be in my personal journal and not plastered for everyone to see....I have this fear that the next time you see me you look at me with empathy and ask me if I"m ok. Of course, I'm going to say I'm fine but what I really want to say is ..... "What number do you have....am I after you?" (this applies b/c literally EVERYONE I know except maybe one friend is expecting a miracle in the next few months). I kind of kept this to myself but October was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month....in addition to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It was also the day before I said goodbye (once again) to my husband and watched him leave for war. So, that day was special and horrible for me. I secretly wanted to burn a candle for each of our angel babies and remember the short time I knew they were in there. But, since it was suppose to be our last moments together I just kept them in my heart. Well, now since I have an empty bedroom and plenty of lonely nights I lit a few candles and cried myself to sleep a few days ago. Silly? I dont think so....it helped me. I constantly try to think of how I can always be reminded of my angel babies...should I get a piece of memorial jewelry, make a memory book (but what do you put in it?), constantly write (i tried that), or do I just try to forget?
So, when I finally get my number and I finally hear "congratulations" and I finally have something to be excited about.....I will NOT let anyone in front of me in the line....I want my chance.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
We saw your heartbeat at only 7 weeks
It was beautiful and perfect
God granted us that one peek
Our joy shown through our tears
Daddy loved you; he could not believe his eyes
He instantly pictured the next eighteen years.
A Yankee fan you would be
“Whether boy or girl”, he said.
“They’ll love NY, you will see.”
Within 24 hours, your life was cut short
Our dreams for you had vanished
We envisioned nothing of this sort.
Now, you have gone to visit with God
A brother, a sister, a grandma and more
My life has changed without you here;
I will never know the future that you had in store.
I pray that you hear me, know you are missed
And someday when I hold you in Heaven
The first thing I will do is give you a kiss.
From your cloud in Heaven, watch over me and dad
As we struggle without you
And try not to be sad.
~Author, Leza Strayer
Monday, October 27, 2008
Long story....very short. Vote on my poll. Should I join the Air Force? So far, the pros outweigh the cons....yes, hubby would remain in the Army. Tell me what you think....
Thursday, October 23, 2008
So, for your amusement here is a picture of the little creature buried inside my boxspring. What an adventure on such a boring day!!
p.s. The little mouse was dead by the time he got to it. But, I did think about releasing him into the wild...instead, he has a happy permanent home inside the dumpster :(
Sunday, October 19, 2008
We begin by saying 7 random facts about ourselves...I'll start with..
1. I always want my toenails to be pink. I think it looks good with pale or tan skin and you can never go TOO pink.
2. My dream house will have cathedral ceilings, brick on the outside, a bright red door, soft green grass, white trim all around the rooms and a very big back porch. (so now all we need is a permanent duty station.)
3. My cat back home with my folks is a little obese. But, dont tell her that she might attack you in your sleep.
4. I am very determined to lose 30lbs during this deployment...only to gain it back when hubby returns because I just love to spend time with him rather than work out.
5. I get frustrated when things don't happen when I want them to. i.e.babies, husband's return...etc.
6. I have many great friends back in SC that I do not talk to, but I KNOW if I ever needed them they would be there for me.
7. I was saved on a random Sunday, in a random church on the northshore of Oahu island. I didnt get in front of the church and announce it, I didnt raise my hand for all to see. I simply prayed the Lord's prayer and have been trying to live the life of a Christian since that day. No I do not remember the date, because like most christians I have made mistakes along the way and I ask for forgiveness and do better the next week.
ok so now I'm tagging you.
1. Crystal Gail and Danielle
2. Krissy Johnson
3. Kristy and Adam
and anyone else who is thinking of becoming a blogger. I know that i have many myspace friends who should do this.....
TAG YOU'RE IT!
Saying goodbye to Jeff last week (again) was the hardest of the last 6 times we have done this, but this time I have peace in my heart that God will bring him home. That doesnt mean I dont have fears and cry myself to sleep every night. I am just confident that God is in control and He will watch over him...along with Jeff's many angels.
I am waiting on our miracle baby whether it come in a 9 month package that I carry, on a plane from a far away orphanage, through an invitro "project" or through another's womb....I am learning to relinquish my desires over to God. I am waiting on Him to decide that I am ready. I am being forced to be patient for the next 12 months which allows my body and heart to heal from my most recent losses. I constantly pray "Lord, let my body create a life that you can be proud of. p.s. let it be soon". He probably smiles and giggles each time he hears my request and in His own way tells me "Be patient my child". If only I could see EXACTLY what he wants me to do in the meantime...hmmm
Ok, now enjoy the video. If you are waiting for whatever...a reunion, a child, anything at all just take a moment and listen to the words by John Waller. I will lift you up in prayer if you would like as we all continue to WAIT.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I MUST SAY...I'M PRETTY PROUD OF MYSELF :)
My Tattoo: (Memorial for my 3 most recent miscarriages)
Jeff and his BFF Rob preparing to tackle the 15 foot waves at North shore
Jeff's fish (I swear it's bigger in person....lol)
Makai LOVES the wind in his face..just like daddy:
Our last night:
DEPLOYMENT NIGHT (WARNING:TEARS MAY OCCUR)
Me and My wonderful hubby:
My WONDERFUL husband:
Jeff and his BFF tonight:
My FAVORITE thing in the world, Kisses from Jeffbug:
His smile will stay with me 365 days:
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
JUST A FEW DOLLARS CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF AN ALZHEIMER'S PATIENT!
God Bless! Leza
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
"This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12
So I'm attacking this subject this week. I have learned through my own experiences the definition of friendship, but as I learn more and more from the Bible I am learning what He meant the definition of friendship to be. Many times I've found myself in a situation where I have given my all to a friendship and received nothing in return. Maybe I was selfish? Maybe I had the wrong thought of friendship? NO. God clearly states that you treat others as you would want to be treated; He also states that you love all the time. So, obviously I was not wrong. It's sad to think that many of my friendships have fallen-to-the-waste-side due to petty little problems. I have experience wonderful friendships in my short years here and I have made life long friendships that will last no matter how far away I move....ie. Kris (love you). I have seen many friends fall to Satan's power and leave behind their faith. I have met new friends that need the word of God in their life and those who dismiss His word. My friendship as a Christian and believer will empower me to be a better friend. I've noticed in the last few weeks that many of my friendships are slowly disappearing. While I'm very disappointed in my "friends" actions, I am more disappointed that they are not following God's word of loving all the time. While I burnt many bridges in the past; I have mended 99% of them in the last few months. I have made peace with so-called Enemies and old friends. But recently, I have found myself questioning my definition of friendship. I thought to be a friend meant:
You be there for someone without words spoken, just actions to show your love.
You cry when that person is hurting; you smile when they are happy.
Friendship means putting your selfish needs aside to help your loved ones.
Well, apparently I was right. So, from this conclusion I am making a promise to my friends. Whether you consider me a "Friend" or not, I am promising to you to follow what God says in the bible. I will "love you at all times" and I will love you as He has loved you. Unfortunately, I cannot hide my pain of many friends recent actions, but I can move on and promise to be a friend even if your actions do not please me. Ive been working on different parts of my life and friendship is one of the most important aspects that I can strengthen. God has shown me great people and brought wonderful friendships into my life; so I will honor Him by treating these friendships with respect and love.
Can you say that you're doing the same?
This is what I ask myself each time I PASS an old friend, WALK BY someone I care about, GLANCE at a-once-close friend....I ask myself: How would God want me to love them? Am I showing them compassion and love that He would be proud of? Did I make someone smile today even though their actions did not make me smile?
I challenge you to do this as well. Put aside your fears of rejection, anger for mistakes, and try to make someone smile today. If you cannot do that, just say hello to someone (you may be making their day)!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Recently I heard someone talk about how they feel like when they ask God for something they have to "Fill up" on good deeds to make up for that one blessing. Well, this got me thinking. Your relationship with God is not a savings account. Just because you ask for something does not mean that you have to do something to get what you asked for. God is better than Santa he knows when you're being good and when you're being bad. I feel sorry for this person because they believe that God does not give unless you do something worthy of his gifts. Ever looked at your child and thought "what have I done to deserve this blessing"? Well, it's not something you did. Our God is so giving and so loving that He blesses you with many "things, people, friends, etc" just because He loves you.
I named this post "Spiritual Savings Account" because I think some people believe that each time they pray they are adding to their "account" with God and that leaves them with opportunities to ask for something. While this sounds logical for our real account it's not at all what God wants us to feel. When I ask God to bless someone or bring someone home to me...I am not "withdrawling from my account". He loves me no matter how many times I pray, how many times I go to church or dont go.... I believe that God will bless your life in many ways that you may not recognize as a blessings at that time. For example, while I miss my husband dearly each time he deploys I know that it is a sort of blessing.
Seperation brought strength to our marriage....God Blessed us!
I made great friends who filled in my empty time without Jeff....God Blessed me!
Opportunities of school, work, fun, life were made while he was gone....God Blessed Me!
My health and lifestyle become healthier....God blessed me!
So you see, our life is not a savings account filled with "thank yous" to God, prayers thanking Him for items; He simply blesses us because it makes Him happy to see us blessed. God will continue to give you what you ask for as long as you believe that He is the reason for your blessings. So to that girl (you know who you are) who believes that she has to complete one more good deed to get that prayer answered; please understand that Our Lord Savior is so happy to bless you, He recognizes the good/bad in everyone and will continue to give your life many blessings as long you live. Even when you do not recognize the sudtle blessings He remains the giver. He will not punish you for forgetting to pray He will answer your prayers and your requests. Here is a verse that backs up my post:
"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for." 1 John 5 14-15 NLT
My prayer request for this week is that we think of the people who struggle with prayer. Those who are not aware of what to ask for, how to ask or how to thank Him. I hope that someone reaches out to those who are seeking God's word, but cannot find the beginning.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Jessie is doing great. Yesterday her doctor told me "it went better than expected". What was suppose to be a minimum of 3 hours took only 1.5 hours to complete. She was out of surgery by 2:00 and in recovery until 6:00 last night. She's doing great today. With a little pain medication, her soreness is getting better with each passing hour. She has pretty much been trying to sleep all day so she only gets up when she needs to use the restroom. Thank you for your prayers. Many of you emailed me asking how she was doing...and I'm happy to report she is doing great. I stayed with her last night so her dogs along with Lucki & Makai had a great time entertaining each other. Her dogs are getting a little annoyed by Lucki & Makai's endless energy, but eventually they gave in and joined a game of tug of war. So thank you for your prayers I knew He would make everything ok.
Today I have a prayer request, not for myself, for a close friend of mine. About 7:30 this morning I dropped off my good friend Jessie to have a surgery that will hopefully (with prayer) increase her changes of becoming pregnant. She and her husband had been trying unsuccessfully to concieve when a doctor found something that may be the cause. So, I left the hospital around 11:00 am I said a prayer over her and asked "are you feeling anything"...she said very normally "yes" then she said "YEEEEEEEEEEssssss" so I know she's feeling great. I last saw her at 11:25 with her eyes rolling in the back of her head and she was smiling from ear to ear. So I just ask that my friends and those who believe in the power of prayer to lift her up and pray for the doctors and a quick recovery. Her surgery should last about 4 hours so hopefully in about 4 -6 hours she will be out and ready to come home.
I know many of my blog visitors are wonderful people and I know through your prayers her surgery will be ok and just add in your prayer that this creates the miracle they have been wanting for so long.....little junior Jessie & Travis.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
EXCUSE THE SUNBURN! IT'S A HOT DAY IN HAWAII...
Ok so its a LITTLE shorter than I imagined, but time will change that for me.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Now I know these are very similar...I'm looking mostly at the length. Also, notice that the second one kind of goes at an angle in the front...I dont want anything as draftic as Victoria Bechams but I want something sassy and cute. The first one is more of a bob with a few layers and the second has alot of layers (back picture not posted).....I may post more tomorrow. Help me out! Voting starts....NOW
#2 (kind of shorter than #1 but I love this style)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
So my agenda for this month alone. I plan to lose some more weight (update-I've lost 5lbs.) and my overall goal is 20 lbs. YES, I need to lose 20lbs. I know I lost like 45 while he was deployed...but he's made me gain back like 15 of that...yes, it is his fault. He always wants home cooked meals...cant pass up the homemade bread. lol. So, I've been working out for 21 days straight...3xs a day like last year. So we'll see what happens. I have to take my friend Jessie to the doctor and help her after a procedure, I have to complete this class to be a teacher in Hawaii, then I have to sit patiently and wait for my degree to finally come in the mail...countdown 30 days...ahh :sigh: Other than that, I only have weekly classes (for the teacher thing) and cleaning the house to keep me busy.
Jeff is already bored over there..he said it's hot, sticky, sandy & lonely. :( If only I could sneak in his package and keep him company. So, until my visit in November, I'm stuck on this island once again...wishing I was someplace else.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mason Kai Wahiawa, HI May 2008
Jennah Lawrence Greenville, SC March 2008
Ruthie Newton, NJ April 2008
J.D. and Julian Greenville, SC
Babies TO BE born this year:
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrow; it empties today of its strength"......"As you consider the promises of Jesus, remember that God still sits in His heaven and you are His beloved child. And you are protected. Since the Lord is your shepard, what are you worried about?"
What this means to me: I will try not to sink in sorrow of missing my husband and smile as I praise Him for giving me such a wonderful gift of love. I pray that I am reminded daily that Jeff is protected and we are meant to be parents....eventually. I guess this message should be something that I can remind myself of everyday as I live another 15 months without my husband. I pray that I'll have the strength to escape the fear and rejoice in the "time" (video messaging, text messaging, emails, letter, etc.) that I will have with him. I'm not saying that I wont cry myself to sleep every night just like the other times, and I'll probably have my good days and bad days. But I KNOW that God has his hand on Jeff and all the other soldiers and He will bring them home.
As I continued my daily devotionals through the week I pondered on each of them differently. I read about being too busy, forgeting to pray, fellowshiping with other women and finally "when it's hard to be cheerful". That last devotional hit me hard which I read on July 14th. I came to the conclusion (not immediately) that my latest pregnancy was God's way of telling me 'You can get pregnant, it's just not time'. We were so worried and convinced that my body would never carry a child and never create a life. The doctors performed endless testing, poking, and other procedures that are too painful to describe....and nothing gave definate answers. Finally, on May 23 our dream came true...we were pregnant! The last few weeks have been really hard, but I struggle with feeling guilty for not providing a good home for that baby, and worrying that it was last chance to be a mother. My devotional on July 14th showed me that through my pain I can be cheerful. I can rejoice in the other parts of my life that bring me happiness. I'm learning as an adult that if I put God front and center then everything will fall in to place. I can be happy. He will bring me happiness. When things are taken away; they will be replaced with brighter, happier, fuller things. My favorite verse from my pastor's sermon a few weeks ago went along with this devotional:
"Be cheerful. Keep things in good repair. Keep your spirits up. Think in harmony. Be agreeable. Do all that, and the God of love and peace will be with you for sure." 2 Corinthians 13:11
So, what am I going to do this deployment? I'm going to cry, I'm going to mourn the time we will lose while he battles a war far away, but I will also try to wake up everyday and be cheerful. I will rejoice in the blessings that surround my life and I will THINK IN HARMONY. Through my worry and my tears, I will praise His name and know that He is with me always.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Your prayers worked! Baby & Mommy are doing wonderfully. They were released last night. I had the chance to meet him and hold him last night. He's the perfect comibination of mommy & daddy. He has every feature imagineable of daddy except mommy's perky lips. He's the cutest thing ever...and quiet too. I only heard him cry once and the moment daddy held him...he was quiet. You can tell that this little man is going to be Rob's pride & joy. He welcomed the cries, offered to change every diaper, and even runs to the rescue when he spits up. Jackie has a great baby daddy....lol. They commented on how great he sleeps. He did not want to wake up the whole time we were there. I think he's going to be a very quiet boy.....until toddler age. I think everyone's prayers were answered...he's perfect, mom's healthy and they are happily making a home together. Plus, I think he likes me...lol He didnt cry, fart or poop on me!! I am thankful....I have a gag reflex...hahah.
We feel so blessed to have met Jackie & Rob. I wish that I had met her while the boys were deployed...since I met her a few months ago we have become really good friends. She has so many friends that I already like too...they are funny and just a hoot to be around.
Now that Ayden is finally here, happy & healthy I cannot wait to watch him grow into a noisey toddler.
Of course, this event has fueled OUR baby blues...yes, Jeff too!
So I just got a text that our friends Jackie & Rob (Jeff's bff from Iraq) just gave birth to their beautiful baby boy, Ayden. He was a stubborn little guy. Her expected due date was June 11th and everyday came and went without him here. Yesterday she was admitted and today at 9:03 a.m. a beautiful 7lb 7oz baby boy arrived....finally. I havent spoken to her so I'm not sure if it was c-section or natural, but either way they both came out safely. I have a few prayer requests for the Robert's new family:
1. Quick recovery for mama
2. Easy time feeding & sleeping the little guy.
3. Rob has time for lots of memories before leaving.
4. That the kid likes me (they'll be living here for a while so I need him to like me).
5. Baby & mama dont have to spend more than two days at Tripler.
I know that your prayers will be heard and they will head home soon with their new bundle of joy. In two weeks the new daddy will be joining the rest of our men to training and hopefully they will allow him to stay back so he can gain a few important memories with his new bundle.
Times like these make me so happy. I just wish that I could share her joy in a way that I can say "I know how you feel...". Still praying, someday it'll happen for us. I'm just learning to TRUST that God will make it happen soon. I'm trying really hard to ignore doctor's orders of "let's try this medicine, this procedure now so you are pregnant immediately". I don't believe that is God's plan. If he wanted it immediately I would still be pregnant. So today is a day of joy and happiness for a brand new life just started....and it's one to be celebrated.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Jeff & I at the anchor!
A few of the 4o something survivors....Jeff loved listening to them speak. Jeff & I on the ArizonaMy favorite picture....something special about a US Flag.
Following this trip to Pearl Harbor we left for a trip to the Ala Moana Mall. We enjoyed some lunch and went to a yummy bar. After endulging on some delicious foods we visited the Bodies exhibit. Without spoiling it the exhibit for you I will say that it was a learning experience. It was quite shocking to see some of those bodies....who were once alive just sitting there as people ooohhh and ahhhh over them. My mom kept saying "im getting queesy" but that's nothing new for her. She cant handle needles....even outside of the arm. lol. The only thing I do not recommend is the "audio tour" because it is not worth your $6 unless you have kids. The kids version is better for them. It was very emotional to see the fetal development section. I tried to avoid it at first, fear of breaking down, but God directed me in there. I didnt really learn anything new, but it was interesting to see. I felt bad when I saw the infants in there...I felt like they shouldnt be on display but it is to educate people. Needless to say, I spent a total of 2 minutes in there.
Saturday was an even busier day. We awoke about 7:00 to the smell of eggs, sausage, toast and fruit. Yep, daddy was making breakfast. That's my dad's specialty. He's always cooked breakfast on the weekends since I was little. So Saturday we spent the dat at the Polynesian Cultural Center. This was something I had been planning since I found out they were coming to visit. We spent the entire day there.....arrived at 11:00 and left at 9pm! It was a lot of fun and we enjoyed every moment....we chose not to have a guided tour so we could enjoy our time at each place as long as possible. I think my mom's camera had more fun than we did...lol. She took well over 100 pictures. Our favorite part was the guy who cracks coconuts and throws fire. He was hilarious.....and kept the whole crowd laughing with his sarcastic jokes. Here are a few pictures from that day....
My parents left yesterday and we enjoyed their visit so much. Probably more than last time...mainly because they wernt here for Jeff's deployment this time. We got to do alot more sight seeing this time and we had the chance to take them to places we have not had the chance to explore ourselves. Soon, I'll be going home for the holidays and then they can show me around the NEW greenville....it isnt my hometown anymore the way it has changed. Anymore visitors want to come stay with us?
My biggest supporter...hubby!
Me and my parents.
Me & daddy!
My grandmother & I....she flew in from Jersey just for this day!
Jeff & I at Cheesecake Factory....right after he gave me my diamond studs...Thanks honey! WHAT A SURPRISE!
This was only part of our very busy weekend. I will post more pictures later that show how we never stopped from the moment our visitors arrived!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The moment I found out I was pregnant with you daddy was gone to train for another year of war. I instantly wondered how I was going to spend a year without him here and how we would survive on our own. After the instant fear passed, I began to dial phone numbers. Daddy wasnt answering....so I called a close friend. I was so excited that I dropped to my knees and prayed. I prayed that God would take care of you and then I thanked Him for this miracle. You see mommy and daddy had been trying really hard to have a baby and it just was not working. As we approached daddys departure date we had completely given up. You were truly a miracle baby no matter how long you were in mommys tummy. Our first doctor visit to "see" you was filled with many emotions. I felt in my heart something was wrong, after the doctor showed me and daddy your little tiny heartbeat I had a moment of peace. We left the hospital wrapped in eachother's arms. Daddy kept singing a song called "Baby Strayer". It was the happiest time of my life. I held you in my tummy for 7 wonderful weeks. Every symptom of pregnancy was the most wonderful experience...honestly, it was. I didnt mind being sick or even sleeping all day. I loved having a purpose. My purpose was to be your mother.
It has been two weeks since God called you home. I will never hold you in this physical world, I will never take you to the doctors for your 6 weeks check up, never have your 1yr pictures taken by your talented Grandma, and daddy will never have the chance to teach you baseball or cheerleading...whatever you wanted. I cry so hard when I think of all the times we will never share. I long to meet you and hold you. Someday when our Father calls me home, will you please wait for me at the gates? I'll know your face anywhere even though I've never seen your smile.
Every moment that you were "here" I loved you even more. Did you know that I read to you? I did not even know that I was pregnant yet and I read a bible verse to you. I cannot explain it but for three whole days before I found out the doggies (who would have loved you) sat on my lap sniffing my tummy. So I thought that was a "sign" that maybe something is in there. So I was reading something a story in the bible about a man named Abraham and I read that story to you.
I know that someday when it is my time I will be a mommy again. I know that you'll be his/her guardian angel. Please watch over me and daddy as we embark on yet another deployment. I will talk to you everynight and make sure that I remember the short time you were here in mommys tummy. Please do not ever forget that we wanted you so much! I promise that I'll do everything right so that we can meet in His presence.
Friday, June 27, 2008
"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." ~2 Cor. 12:8
I know this is true because when I am down, He lifts me up. When I dont feel like getting out of bed, He puts my feet on the ground. When I cry tears of pain, He wipes them away and puts a smile on my face. Through His grace, I'll be whole again someday. The pain will never disappear, but I know in time it will fade.
I was reading an article today on the magnitude of miscarriage. Some quotes used in the article really stick out in my mind. Some make me laugh, and others make me hope that no one forgets our miracle baby.
"A person is a person no matter how small" ~ Dr. Suess Horton hatches the egg
"In our society, we measure grief by the size of the coffin." Sherokee Ilse, Empty Arms
These quotes are something that will stick with me for a long time. While the Horton comments makes you smile. It is all too real in my situation. Some people have told me "you were only...weeks". Well, I dont care if I had only been 7 days pregnant there was a human in there that needed my love and my womb. It hurts to think that people really do measure loss by the size of a casket. When someone loses a loved one, no matter if they knew them for 40 years or 40 minutes. That loss is greater to them than anything else in the world. I cry along with the many babies that have gone to Heaven so soon. I weap for my baby that I never got to know. I wish that society would recognize my baby as a person and not as an "embryo". When we saw that heartbeat we knew there was someone in there. That baby relied on us to bring them here to discover the world. God needed my baby more than I did and I know that someday I will rejoice in His arms while my baby rests in mine.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Our real reason for not having this baby.....
My doctor informed me that the tests from the embryo came back that everything was perfect and he/she had no chromosonal abnormalities. He also told me that the urine test I took at my last ER visit showed I had another UTI (my first one was detected at my pregnancy confirmation appt but only treated for two days). Which he believes was so bad he was surprised I was not hospitalized for that. His words, "I cant believe you werent crying in pain each time you urinated." So following that information the doctor concluded that most likely our miscarriage was due to a Urinary Tract Infection. Jeff believes that is good news, he says that means I didnt do anything wrong and that our baby was ok. But this just makes me feel even worse. Now, I feel like I should have known. Why didnt I know I had an infection? Why didnt my body warn me that something was wrong? Yeah, I had horrible back pain but I thought that was from just being pregnant. Next time, I know not to let a back ache just go unchecked. So with a little peace in my heart knowing our baby was perfect healthy, I can sleep knowing he/she is resting in the arms of our God and is watching over us. I often wonder what do unborn babies look like in Heaven? I know they are perfect...but someday will I see their actual face, nose, toes and ears? It probably sounds strange, but knowing my baby is in Heaven makes me want to be there even more. (No not a reason to worry about me.) My faith tells me that someday when it is my time, I will be there.
I read quite a few blogs on a daily basis and this one blog reads of a strong family that has experienced so much heartbreak and through their trials they live to bring others closer to God. I know my relationship strengthens each time I read of their courage and love for Him. Im not ashamed to say I love God! People across the country and around the world are experiencing far worse trials than we are and they still put their feet on the floor everyday and go about their days. Perhaps people around the world are praying for them... I believe in the power of prayer and through the many prayers people have said for us I am able to stand up and live each day.
As my day comes to an end...or maybe beginning (its 1 am!) I am humbled by the Grace of God and the mercy he has shown to me. I am not perfect, I am not a saint, but in His eys I am worthy of his love. I am humbled!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Later that evening I began to have some symptoms that are not normal for early pregnancy. We rushed to the emergency room where I was told that I was not priority and the doctor assured me that I was ok and to go home. Needless to say, the following two days were HELL. I was in alot of pain and I knew something was not right. Jeff and the doctor continued to tell me that I was simply stressing myself out. By Saturday the pain was unbearable. I was curled in a ball on the living room floor while Jeff rubbed my back and continued to tell me that I should be positive. Finally, we rushed to the ER again. This time I had a wonderful and sensitive doctor who could tell me from my symptoms that something was not right. After an ultrasound and exam he confirmed that I was experiencing the beginning of a miscarriage. As we left the hospital I remember walking out where a family with twins was waiting and I just couldnt understand why some people are blessed with two babies and I cannot even have one of my own. I struggle with the emotions of loss everyday. I question why my baby was taken so early before we even got to hold him/her. I know that someday God will provide us with a family to call our own. With the help of medical science and an act of God someday we'll have a baby of our own.
I am so grateful for the few friends who have reached out. I'm sorry if I did not answer phone calls, emails or the front door....you know who you are. I am still just starting to respond to some people. I have learned from this experience who my true friends are and who will be there when I need them the most. Words cannot take my pain away, but I know that many of you have tried. I dont know when I will begin to heal emotionally, but all of the physical signs of ever being pregnant are gone. My body quickly healed after 5 days of unbearable pain and doctors have told me that next month we can try again. While Jeff is preparing for his next deployment we are focusing on spending as much time together as possible. He has been my rock through this whole experience. Through his grief he continued to be there for me.
I really appreciate all of the kind words and thoughts. I know that through prayer someday we'll have our family.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
P.S. SEX IN THE CITY fans ...... go see the movie. It's perfect.
Have a great day!
Monday, May 26, 2008
We are expecting our first baby! We have a long way to go until we hear the heartbeat, feel the first kick, find out the sex, and finally meet her/HIM! But things are going great so far.
Certain days I feel like crap and others like today I am perfectly fine and not a symptom at all! Sometimes I find myself taking a test just to make sure her/HIM is still there. We plan to keep everyone updated on here so check back regularly for updates!!
CANT WAIT TO MEET BABY STRAYER!!
P.S. Congrats to the following family members (they are pregnant too)!! It's become a family affair.......Arlean (same due date) Melynie & Hailey! Cant wait to meet the new Micke Babies!