Having a great time so far!

Hey so here are a few visits I've had from my visit so far!!!

Im having a great time.

I have been able to see my Parents, my GrandmaAnna, Lucy, Mama Hope (Lucy's mom), Krissy, Robbie, RJ (cousin), Hailey, Aunt Sue, Uncle Ray, Jamison, Jennifer, Coben, Baby Alexia, Sarah.....

Now, I just need to see Tasha, Carrie, Baby Alexis, Melynie, Ashly, Teena, and a few other people.

Im super excited that I can see all of my bestest friends and enjoy many laughs and great times. I wish that I could stay longer, but I need to get home to my doggies and my Christmas presents waiting at home for me.

I'll post pics later.

My Christmas Surprise ...for mom

So Sunday I woke up and spoke to hubby like usual. He mentioned that we wouldn't be able to speak on Christmas eve, Christmas day, nor the day after...so, I immediately became sad and decided to impulsively purchase a ticket back to South Carolina to surprise my mom.

I called dad....at least 4 times that day to give him the information. He promised to keep it a secret from mom. So 8 hours later, I was on a plane to South Carolina. During my layover, in Dallas, I got a text from my mom saying "so when are you coming in..." WHAT?!!

She claims she woke up with "mother's intuition" and new something was going on. Plus, she added that my dad cannot lie very well. So, with only 2 hours left until I would arrive at GSP she figured it out and quickly prepared for my visit. It was still a good surprise for her. Of course, this Christmas morning my cards and gifts are sitting under my tree (in Hawaii) still wrapped waiting for my return next week.

It's great to be here...but, OMGosh it's freezing. The moment i stepped into Dallas I could see my breath....which has been warmly hiding since we moved to Hawaii. My toes are frozen and my nose is cherry red....it's a funny sight. Everyone claims that its warm here...but I beg to differ.

So far, I've spent most of my time with one my best friends....Anna and her daughter Lucy. The last time I saw them was during my visit in 2006. Not much has changed except....well, Lucy. It was funny getting her to open up to me..but she's quite comfy now. She constantly yells....AUNT ETHAL!!!! Which is my nickname from the McCorkle family (Anna's parents). Its been alot of fun...

My agenda is quite important and full of tasty treats.

1. Enjoy chick-fil-A (completed 10-22)

2. Enjoy Zaxby's (completed 10-23)

3. Enjoy Fatz cafe (completed 10-24)

4. Shop at Victoria Secret (completed a few times!)

5. Shop at Target (completed 10-22)

6. Bring home souvenirs from each place....for friends.

7. Visit Anna, Krissy, Teena, Tasha, parents, family...etc. (too many to count) (almost completed)
8. Stay warm! (thanks to Anna...my new coat is keeping me warm.)

9. Go out with folks and friends for New Years...

10. Enjoy parents hot tub. (enjoyed a few times!!!)

Merry christmas and Happy New Years Day.

I also wanted to share a few photos from my visit but the link is not working so check them out in my myspace photos..under SC visit Dec. 2008. So far, I've met Santa...he surprised us while visiting some family friends...he forgot to bring Jeff with him though...so I kicked him out. I also took lots of pics with Lucy. You should compare our pictures from 2006 (under my photos) and see how much she's grown.

I hope everyone has a blessed Christmas with many memories and smiles. The Lord has blessed us greatly and stayed with us as we overcame many obstacles and continue to climb. I hope everyone feels his blessings this holiday season. Ill post more pics and more updates as my week goes on.....Sunday one of my bestestesteset friends is coming to visit from Georgia with her baby so I"ll have more pics nad updates to share.

101 Things....515 days

So I saw this on a few people's blogs so far. Make a list of 101 things that you would like to do in a certain amount of days. I pick 515 days...I know it sounds like a lot but really its only 1.5 years. So here is my list of my first 50 things to do...I'll add as New Year approaches....

How many more of you will do this??? I think this is a great way to get your priorities in line....remember to LIVE and enjoy life first...then stress.

1. Become closer to God
2. Move to Colorado (January 2010)
3. Have a baby (someday?)
4. Finish my Master's in Education (May 2009)
5. Become a Certified Teacher in Colorado
6. Purchase Jeff's first bike (October 2009)
7. Give back to my parents/in laws (BIG TIME)
8. Donate to children in honor of our 3 angel babies
9. Do something special for Jeff
10. Finish losing weight
11. Continue 8 miles a day (even after Jeff returns)
12. Save for baby fund
13. Save for Italy fund (2011)
14. Visit after my sister has her baby (March 2009)
15. Drive from Colorado to SC and PA
16. Visit DisneyLand or DisneyWorld
17. Become a full time teacher in Colorado
18. Keep up my 3.9 GPA...or get 4.0
19. Read the entire bible
20.Become debt free (minus Student loans)
21. Make another deployment scrapbook
22. Encourage hubby to finish school
23. Strengthen my marriage
24. Make a new friend every month
25. Mow the backyard (anyday now.....hmmm)
26. Deal with my grief from the miscarriages
27. Continue fertility options
28. Try a new meal (something I would never consider)
29. Find out why Lucki scratches so much.
30. Save for a deposit on a new home (in about 8 years)
31. Trade in our cars for a safe SUV
32. Enjoy Colorado's snow
33. Call my sister's more often
34. Enjoy 5 moments w/o cell phone or interruption (WITH HUBBY OF COURSE)
35. Pray outside of the box (little inside thing)
36. Finish my homework sooner than 1 day before due date
37. Study for the Praxis exams
38. Ace the Praxis exams
39. Learn to be a little more patient
40. Clean my house from corner to corner monthly....or bi-monthly LOL
41. Sing louder in church
42. Send out christmas cards with Jeff photoshopped in the pic
43. Get an oil change every 3,000 miles without hubby nagging me.
44. Start Jeff's car during this deployment every week.
45. Learn to be thankful for little things....like my puppies kisses.
46. Maintain garden in Hawaii AND Colorado (except in the snow)
47. STAND UP FOR MYSELF!
48. Work on my hearing (hmm..what'd you say?)
49. Host a great Christmas brunch
50. Improve my aim (at the range)

Thankful....really?

I was reading a blog that I read literally almost everynight (even when she doesnt post new things...i read the old) and she always has something new and uplifting to say. Well, tonight she wrote a challenge for her readers. She challenged us to take some time tomorrow and write down something that we really are not thankful for....that way even though the words hurt we learn not to question or blame God and instead thank Him. So, I challenged myself. No, I have not written anything down yet...but I have already come up with a few things. Maybe you could complete her challenge as well....I dont know what I'm expecting to happen or when God will speak to me, but I know He will. So here it goes....you're going to see what I will not be thanking God for tomorrow at Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for....

My husband being deployed every other year. (I know God is watching over him and will bring him home~so I must be thankful for him leaving, right?)

Our infertility and 3 angel babies. (I really wish God would just tell me why and make my pain go away).

My friends who are hurting....(God you must have given them this pain for some reason.)

The oceans between me and my family. (I wrote...you're saying me on gas. haha. But it hurts to not see them or hug them, but I'm hoping this is for a reason.)

Well, now that I have written it I am going to ponder on each of them and really try to find something about these situations that I can be thankful for....as hard as it will be. The blogger that challenged us lost her daughter shortly after birth. So, I ask myself "Should I be thankful that I lost mine so early so I didnt have to experience burying my child?" That seems so selfish of me...but its the only thing I can come up with to be thankful for in my case. The pain of not having my babies here is greater than I ever imagined. While my tears do not come every night like they used to, I do sometimes cry in the shower when I think 'I shouldnt be have time to shower, I should be getting ready for a baby'. God is healing my heart and taking away my anger. Anger about why I cannot just create a life, safely bring it into this world after a healthy 9 months and be the mother that I always dreamed Iwould someday become....now, I'm not so angry. I've been through the motions of grief. God has spoken to me at the most rarest of times. I was talking to a friend who is going through a divorce and it dawned on me that I was telling her she shouldnt ask "why me" because God doesnt punish us; He gives us opportunities to rejoice in His word. Well, God I'm sorry I didnt act on it at the time...but I'm hearing you now. I do not blame you, I am not angry, I'm sorry I yelled at you and begged you to bring my babies back that I know are in Heaven celebrating by your side.

Thankful....I'm thankful alright. I'm thankful that God will someday allow me to join His home and finally meet my babies, my grandfather, great grandmother, and my great uncles. I'm thankful that YOU gave me a body to enjoy for however long you see fit and thankful that I have many people who love me and appreciate my life. I AM thankful God. Just not ready to say thanks for all of the pain that I have experienced....Give me time, you know I always come around.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Perhaps Angie's challenge will touch someone's life or have them think long and hard about why we should be thankful for our pain, anger and tears.

For those of you who do not know this already I have been hinting about changing my career path from Business or Civil Servant to Educator. Well, I have officially made the jump. I am beginning Graduate school for Masters in Education Cross Categorical, Special Education! (a mouth full when explaining) I am so excited and very nervous about stepping into this path. It is completely different than my customer service/supervisor background. I am looking forward to working with special needs children, discovering their individual and unique personalities. I think the hardest part will be having to say goodbye at the end of each day. Beginning in the next few weeks I have to start volunteering at many schools to accumulate 100 hours of experience. My degree will hopefully only take 15 months to complete considering I do not take any breaks (you know, when hubby comes home). So, I'm sure I'll have plenty of unique students, funny moments, and frustrating (from homework) stories to share over the next 1.5 years. Bare with me if I am distant I plan to give 110% just like with my other degrees. Starting next month I'll be preparing for the PRAXIS I & II so please keep me in your prayers that I can overcome my fear of tests and achieve my goal of having my very own Special Needs Classroom filled with many unique personalities.

BANG BANG BANG

For my birthday gift (to myself) I patiently waited....(-2) days before my bday to visit a gun range in Waikiki with my friend Marissa. I figured I needed time to improve my skills in case I actually do the police academy thing next summer. It was ALOT of fun...Here are a few photos of the adventure. I had the great pleasure of handling

22 Cal. Ruger

(hard to aim & loud)

38 S&W Revolver

(my FAVORITE) want one

in PINK please ....hint hint honey

Glock 21/ Colt 45

(this stupid thing kept

jamming on me)

9mm Springfield XD9

(this one I hit the bullseye

with after the instructor helped me)

S&W/ Ruger 44 Magnum AKA DIRTY HARRY (this bad boy left a pain in my wrist and I gently put it down after the first shot in order to regain my composure.) THE BEST SHOTS EVER...I felt like a real life cowgirl from the 1800's hehe!

We discovered that the range has a membership that allows you to bring your own weapon and purchase ammo....SO I think once hubby returns we will be joining this (instead of a gym..haha). I of course was convinced to upgrade my package and received 20 extra shots (but I do not remember getting those extra 20...hmm apparently 100 was not enough for me.)

I can say we will DEFINATELY be going back for a second, third, fourth, fifth hundreth time.

Thanks to Hawaii Gun Club for MAKING MY DAY!

First of all, I would like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister. She turns 26 today!

I got a little creative (mostly due to boredom) with our pumpkins and decorated them for Jeff....hoping to put a smile on his face since he isn't here to stuff candy in it.

We also gave out playdoh instead of candy...I recently returned from the dentist where I was told I needed ALOT of work and next week (the day after my bday) Im getting a root canal so in my efforts to spare children this pain....I opted for something that can ruin parents' carpets, stain clothing and possibly be eaten by youngsters....hehe. See, I can do this because I dont have children. My original idea was to put the playdoh in a bucket filled with green jello and make the kids reach in for them, but instead we walked around and handed out the playdoh instead.

Lucki and Makai dressed up too. Lucki even got a little bored with walking (since I wouldnt let him chase the other dogs) and took a ride in the stroller. He actually stayed in there without any problems for the entire time. It's just a proud moment in my life as a dog mom!

Take a number

I've always been the kind of person that stands in line without noise, I patiently wait my turn as my number is called and I always let someone with less groceries or items in front me so they dont have to wait any longer. So, is it coming back to haunt me? Am I letting people in front of me while I patiently wait to become a mother? I am overjoyed and extremely excited to say that I'm going to be an Aunt. My oldest sister is almost 3 months along and having her first baby....totally unexpected. So, since she is older did she get my number? There are about 8 babies on the way or already here that I have met or will be related to. I look at these babies with a smile and wonder "when will you have a little cousin or friend to play with?" I lovelovelove holding babies and witnessing their pure innocence but after the babies leave, the doors close and I'm all alone I cry, beg, pray and wonder: When will it be my turn? Since Jeff just left two weeks ago and we have another 50 weeks to go before we can be reunited and start trying again I am forced to deal with my emotions from the 3 most recent losses. I guess my number now is wayyyy at the end of the line. Most women that I know do not have to deal with this issue...or do they? No one that I know has had to wonder "when can we try again....next month, next week, next cycle...." I do not have my husband, it is physically impossible for us to try again. I have one immediate friend (great friend!) who is struggling to have a baby as well and while her circumstances are similar; they are VERY different. Her husband makes "deposits" to a hosptial promising to make her a baby, and when they "feel" they are ovulating THEY TRY! So, now as I impatiently sit and wait for my husband's return from this war....I have to wonder WHAT WILL OUR NUMBER BE? I often wonder if I'm completely alone in this process. While my husband is wonderful and tries his best to comfort me he's over 10,000 miles away and cannot begin to understand how I am feeling. He had his time to grieve and I think he is done...but I am not. He often asks "are you still having a hard time with this"; I just smile and say "no" but what I really want to say is....

IT'S NOT FAIR!
NO, I'M NOT OK.
I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME!
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO BE PARENTS???
WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?
I CANNOT STOP CRYING.
HELP ME JEFF!

Those are my true feelings. Feelings that I do not want to burden him with while he works to help the Iraqi people. I do not have any friends who understand. So, while I sit and hold these beautiful babies that God gave my friends, cousins, sisters, family members I want to say "little one, before you came did you have a number while waiting for a mommy?" If you haven't lost a pregnancy or said goodbye to someone you never met you cannot possibly understand what it feels like. I remember saying to Jeff on May 23, 2008 'I have something to tell you...you're going to be a daddy". I remember hearing his expressions and knowing that he had a huge smile on his face and while our excitement continued the day we saw the heartbeat for the first time I just remember thinking "this time next year.....we will have a newborn". Well, it's been 4 months and two more losses....and still not any closer to a newborn. When will it be my turn?

I guess this entry should be in my personal journal and not plastered for everyone to see....I have this fear that the next time you see me you look at me with empathy and ask me if I"m ok. Of course, I'm going to say I'm fine but what I really want to say is ..... "What number do you have....am I after you?" (this applies b/c literally EVERYONE I know except maybe one friend is expecting a miracle in the next few months). I kind of kept this to myself but October was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month....in addition to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It was also the day before I said goodbye (once again) to my husband and watched him leave for war. So, that day was special and horrible for me. I secretly wanted to burn a candle for each of our angel babies and remember the short time I knew they were in there. But, since it was suppose to be our last moments together I just kept them in my heart. Well, now since I have an empty bedroom and plenty of lonely nights I lit a few candles and cried myself to sleep a few days ago. Silly? I dont think so....it helped me. I constantly try to think of how I can always be reminded of my angel babies...should I get a piece of memorial jewelry, make a memory book (but what do you put in it?), constantly write (i tried that), or do I just try to forget?

So, when I finally get my number and I finally hear "congratulations" and I finally have something to be excited about.....I will NOT let anyone in front of me in the line....I want my chance.

Healing

So, tonight as I went to bed alone I began to remember the pain of losing my babies. I know some people think I should be over it by now or moving on...but the truth is, whether you lose a baby at 4 weeks, 7 weeks, 9 months or 9 years the pain is great. My heart aches for the cries I never got to hear, the baby I never got to smell and the birth I never got to experience. I wrote in my journal, I cried to my husband, I read other blogs and nothing seemed to make the tears go away. So, I decided to write a poem that expressed how much I miss my babies. The poem is about the most devistating one; while each of them are horrible and I always wonder...what if? why? how many more?...etc the loss in June is sometimes unbearable. While I often wonder how I will go on I remember that God is giving me opportunities for strength and reminds me that He does have better plans for my life. So, I wanted to share my deepest feelings with you in my poem. I feel honored to carry these babies for such a short time and give them a warm place until God called them home. Please enjoy my latest memorial to my babies!

Baby Strayer

We saw your heartbeat at only 7 weeks
It was beautiful and perfect
God granted us that one peek

Our joy shown through our tears
Daddy loved you; he could not believe his eyes
He instantly pictured the next eighteen years.

A Yankee fan you would be
“Whether boy or girl”, he said.
“They’ll love NY, you will see.”

Within 24 hours, your life was cut short
Our dreams for you had vanished
We envisioned nothing of this sort.

Now, you have gone to visit with God
A brother, a sister, a grandma and more
My life has changed without you here;
I will never know the future that you had in store.

I pray that you hear me, know you are missed
And someday when I hold you in Heaven
The first thing I will do is give you a kiss.

From your cloud in Heaven, watch over me and dad
As we struggle without you
And try not to be sad.

~Author, Leza Strayer

Decisions, Decisions

**UPDATE** After giving it much much thought and weighing my options...I've decided that the timing is not right. I'd miss Jeff's r&r, homecoming and the first 3 months of him being home....so I think I will either post pone that dream or move on to other things....i.e. Police Force. Hopefully something comes up b/c I have a degree sitting on the wall not being used...and a bill that says I have to pay for it whether I use it or not...lol


Long story....very short. Vote on my poll. Should I join the Air Force? So far, the pros outweigh the cons....yes, hubby would remain in the Army. Tell me what you think....

VOTE TODAY!

A mouse, my boxspring and Jeff's Sgt

So, once in a while my cat Sassie decides she would like to escape into the great outdoors. Now, anyone who knows her will know that it is a very rare event for her to grace us with her presence during day light hours. Today, as I returned home from the gym I was typing on the computer (surprise, surprise) and as I see her run past she has a tiny tail sticking out of her mouth...my cat would hunt a giraffe if it meant she got to chase something. I quickly ran after her only to find her completely disappear under the bed (there is nothing under there for her to hide under or behind) then i notice she has buried herself INSIDE the box spring...this is something she mastered a long time ago as her hiding spot. So, I quickly brainstorm...call EVERY man that I know so I dont have to touch anything.....after 5 or 6 tries I finally get a hold of one of the Rear D commanders. He's the husband of one of my close friends, THANKS AGAIN TANJA!!



So, for your amusement here is a picture of the little creature buried inside my boxspring. What an adventure on such a boring day!!



p.s. The little mouse was dead by the time he got to it. But, I did think about releasing him into the wild...instead, he has a happy permanent home inside the dumpster :(

7 random things....

Ok so I've seen alot of blogs doing this so people can get to know one another...so I'm going to start and tag others...hopefully people keep this up and I can add more bloggers. :)

We begin by saying 7 random facts about ourselves...I'll start with..

1. I always want my toenails to be pink. I think it looks good with pale or tan skin and you can never go TOO pink.

2. My dream house will have cathedral ceilings, brick on the outside, a bright red door, soft green grass, white trim all around the rooms and a very big back porch. (so now all we need is a permanent duty station.)

3. My cat back home with my folks is a little obese. But, dont tell her that she might attack you in your sleep.

4. I am very determined to lose 30lbs during this deployment...only to gain it back when hubby returns because I just love to spend time with him rather than work out.

5. I get frustrated when things don't happen when I want them to. i.e.babies, husband's return...etc.

6. I have many great friends back in SC that I do not talk to, but I KNOW if I ever needed them they would be there for me.

7. I was saved on a random Sunday, in a random church on the northshore of Oahu island. I didnt get in front of the church and announce it, I didnt raise my hand for all to see. I simply prayed the Lord's prayer and have been trying to live the life of a Christian since that day. No I do not remember the date, because like most christians I have made mistakes along the way and I ask for forgiveness and do better the next week.


ok so now I'm tagging you.

1. Crystal Gail and Danielle
2. Krissy Johnson
3. Kristy and Adam

and anyone else who is thinking of becoming a blogger. I know that i have many myspace friends who should do this.....

TAG YOU'RE IT!

John Waller says it best....

So, while reading through the many blogs that interest me at 3am I found this wonderful music video. It's a song that many many people can relate to. The overall message is that while you're waiting for whatever....worship God and make him proud. I am waiting for so many things....hoping that they happen on MY plan and when I want them to. I am working on surrendering my fears, impatience, and dreams over to Him and allow them to happen when He is ready.

Saying goodbye to Jeff last week (again) was the hardest of the last 6 times we have done this, but this time I have peace in my heart that God will bring him home. That doesnt mean I dont have fears and cry myself to sleep every night. I am just confident that God is in control and He will watch over him...along with Jeff's many angels.

I am waiting on our miracle baby whether it come in a 9 month package that I carry, on a plane from a far away orphanage, through an invitro "project" or through another's womb....I am learning to relinquish my desires over to God. I am waiting on Him to decide that I am ready. I am being forced to be patient for the next 12 months which allows my body and heart to heal from my most recent losses. I constantly pray "Lord, let my body create a life that you can be proud of. p.s. let it be soon". He probably smiles and giggles each time he hears my request and in His own way tells me "Be patient my child". If only I could see EXACTLY what he wants me to do in the meantime...hmmm

Ok, now enjoy the video. If you are waiting for whatever...a reunion, a child, anything at all just take a moment and listen to the words by John Waller. I will lift you up in prayer if you would like as we all continue to WAIT.

Creative Leza

I had the idea of making fun cakes..stolen from a tv show. So my first project was Jackie's birthday cake this past week. She is from Texas and a huge Longhorn fan so this is what I came up with....so far, we've eaten El Paso and a little of Houston. LOL



I MUST SAY...I'M PRETTY PROUD OF MYSELF :)

Busy last few weeks....and deployment

So, Jeff & I had a wonderful last few weeks together getting tattoos (I will post pics of Jeff's soon....tribute to New York Yankees), going ot the beach, enjoying dinner with friends, and just spending quality time together. Here are a few pictures of our adventures together and last few hours together before Jeff left for Iraq (again) tonight.

My Tattoo: (Memorial for my 3 most recent miscarriages)



Jeff and his BFF Rob preparing to tackle the 15 foot waves at North shore


Jeff's fish (I swear it's bigger in person....lol)


Makai LOVES the wind in his face..just like daddy:


Our last night:


DEPLOYMENT NIGHT (WARNING:TEARS MAY OCCUR)

Me and My wonderful hubby:


My WONDERFUL husband:


Jeff and his BFF tonight:


My FAVORITE thing in the world, Kisses from Jeffbug:


His smile will stay with me 365 days:

I'm on the MOVE

I will be participating in a memory walk on Sunday, Sept. 7th, 2008 in downtown Honolulu to support Alzheimer's research and patients. I am asking that you take a moment to view my website and consider making a donation. Every penny counts! Though you may not know anyone or be affected by this horrible disease please consider the 5 million+ Americans who are fighting this disease everyday. According to statistics, over 16 million people will have Alzheimer's by 2050. Please help to change the direction of this disease.

http://memorywalk2008honolulu.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=267557&lis=0&kntae267557=E467586555B84FC0AA5464B1857EE16E

JUST A FEW DOLLARS CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF AN ALZHEIMER'S PATIENT!

God Bless! Leza

Just for Fun!

I love chocolate.

I am addicted to ice cream and pizza.

My favorite movie is "Legally Blonde 1 & 2"

I enjoy yoga (for now)!

My husband is my best friend.

I believe that you should treat people with respect ALL OF THE TIME.

I do not believe in revenge.

My friends are a true blessing.

God is everywhere and in everyone.

My best friend sacrifices his life.

Life presents challenges; it's how we react that makes us stronger.

Hawaii is a beautiful place; but it's time to MOVE on.

Children are a special gift; that someday I'll enjoy.

I think my life is just beginning.

People that I thought were my friends are now only acquaintances.

Everyday is something special; I soak up every minute!

I enjoy the sunset; especially at North Shore's Sunset Beach

I aspire to be what God invisioned when he created me.

My kids (dogs) are going through terrible three's....HELP CEASAR!

My parents are loving, understanding, fun, and talkative people.

I am not ashamed of who I have become; only wish I learned a long time ago.

I am learning that words are not concrete.

I have vowed to be faithful to God; that I shall be.

My life is forever changing and my heart is always growing.

FAITH is what I live for.

Who are you?

Definition of Friendship....per the Bible

"A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 17: 17

"This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12

So I'm attacking this subject this week. I have learned through my own experiences the definition of friendship, but as I learn more and more from the Bible I am learning what He meant the definition of friendship to be. Many times I've found myself in a situation where I have given my all to a friendship and received nothing in return. Maybe I was selfish? Maybe I had the wrong thought of friendship? NO. God clearly states that you treat others as you would want to be treated; He also states that you love all the time. So, obviously I was not wrong. It's sad to think that many of my friendships have fallen-to-the-waste-side due to petty little problems. I have experience wonderful friendships in my short years here and I have made life long friendships that will last no matter how far away I move....ie. Kris (love you). I have seen many friends fall to Satan's power and leave behind their faith. I have met new friends that need the word of God in their life and those who dismiss His word. My friendship as a Christian and believer will empower me to be a better friend. I've noticed in the last few weeks that many of my friendships are slowly disappearing. While I'm very disappointed in my "friends" actions, I am more disappointed that they are not following God's word of loving all the time. While I burnt many bridges in the past; I have mended 99% of them in the last few months. I have made peace with so-called Enemies and old friends. But recently, I have found myself questioning my definition of friendship. I thought to be a friend meant:

You be there for someone without words spoken, just actions to show your love.
You cry when that person is hurting; you smile when they are happy.
Friendship means putting your selfish needs aside to help your loved ones.

Well, apparently I was right. So, from this conclusion I am making a promise to my friends. Whether you consider me a "Friend" or not, I am promising to you to follow what God says in the bible. I will "love you at all times" and I will love you as He has loved you. Unfortunately, I cannot hide my pain of many friends recent actions, but I can move on and promise to be a friend even if your actions do not please me. Ive been working on different parts of my life and friendship is one of the most important aspects that I can strengthen. God has shown me great people and brought wonderful friendships into my life; so I will honor Him by treating these friendships with respect and love.

Can you say that you're doing the same?

This is what I ask myself each time I PASS an old friend, WALK BY someone I care about, GLANCE at a-once-close friend....I ask myself: How would God want me to love them? Am I showing them compassion and love that He would be proud of? Did I make someone smile today even though their actions did not make me smile?

I challenge you to do this as well. Put aside your fears of rejection, anger for mistakes, and try to make someone smile today. If you cannot do that, just say hello to someone (you may be making their day)!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

Spiritual Savings Account

For every 7 prayers, you don't get a blessing!

Recently I heard someone talk about how they feel like when they ask God for something they have to "Fill up" on good deeds to make up for that one blessing. Well, this got me thinking. Your relationship with God is not a savings account. Just because you ask for something does not mean that you have to do something to get what you asked for. God is better than Santa he knows when you're being good and when you're being bad. I feel sorry for this person because they believe that God does not give unless you do something worthy of his gifts. Ever looked at your child and thought "what have I done to deserve this blessing"? Well, it's not something you did. Our God is so giving and so loving that He blesses you with many "things, people, friends, etc" just because He loves you.

I named this post "Spiritual Savings Account" because I think some people believe that each time they pray they are adding to their "account" with God and that leaves them with opportunities to ask for something. While this sounds logical for our real account it's not at all what God wants us to feel. When I ask God to bless someone or bring someone home to me...I am not "withdrawling from my account". He loves me no matter how many times I pray, how many times I go to church or dont go.... I believe that God will bless your life in many ways that you may not recognize as a blessings at that time. For example, while I miss my husband dearly each time he deploys I know that it is a sort of blessing.

Seperation brought strength to our marriage....God Blessed us!

I made great friends who filled in my empty time without Jeff....God Blessed me!

Opportunities of school, work, fun, life were made while he was gone....God Blessed Me!

My health and lifestyle become healthier....God blessed me!

So you see, our life is not a savings account filled with "thank yous" to God, prayers thanking Him for items; He simply blesses us because it makes Him happy to see us blessed. God will continue to give you what you ask for as long as you believe that He is the reason for your blessings. So to that girl (you know who you are) who believes that she has to complete one more good deed to get that prayer answered; please understand that Our Lord Savior is so happy to bless you, He recognizes the good/bad in everyone and will continue to give your life many blessings as long you live. Even when you do not recognize the sudtle blessings He remains the giver. He will not punish you for forgetting to pray He will answer your prayers and your requests. Here is a verse that backs up my post:

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for." 1 John 5 14-15 NLT

My prayer request for this week is that we think of the people who struggle with prayer. Those who are not aware of what to ask for, how to ask or how to thank Him. I hope that someone reaches out to those who are seeking God's word, but cannot find the beginning.

God Bless!

Prayer Request

***UPDATE***

Jessie is doing great. Yesterday her doctor told me "it went better than expected". What was suppose to be a minimum of 3 hours took only 1.5 hours to complete. She was out of surgery by 2:00 and in recovery until 6:00 last night. She's doing great today. With a little pain medication, her soreness is getting better with each passing hour. She has pretty much been trying to sleep all day so she only gets up when she needs to use the restroom. Thank you for your prayers. Many of you emailed me asking how she was doing...and I'm happy to report she is doing great. I stayed with her last night so her dogs along with Lucki & Makai had a great time entertaining each other. Her dogs are getting a little annoyed by Lucki & Makai's endless energy, but eventually they gave in and joined a game of tug of war. So thank you for your prayers I knew He would make everything ok.


Today I have a prayer request, not for myself, for a close friend of mine. About 7:30 this morning I dropped off my good friend Jessie to have a surgery that will hopefully (with prayer) increase her changes of becoming pregnant. She and her husband had been trying unsuccessfully to concieve when a doctor found something that may be the cause. So, I left the hospital around 11:00 am I said a prayer over her and asked "are you feeling anything"...she said very normally "yes" then she said "YEEEEEEEEEEssssss" so I know she's feeling great. I last saw her at 11:25 with her eyes rolling in the back of her head and she was smiling from ear to ear. So I just ask that my friends and those who believe in the power of prayer to lift her up and pray for the doctors and a quick recovery. Her surgery should last about 4 hours so hopefully in about 4 -6 hours she will be out and ready to come home.

I know many of my blog visitors are wonderful people and I know through your prayers her surgery will be ok and just add in your prayer that this creates the miracle they have been wanting for so long.....little junior Jessie & Travis.

CHOPPED!!

So, I did it! I actually did it! I marched right in there and said, "cut it off". I actually did it! I LOVE IT! Now, lets just pray that my husband agrees....I sent him a picture message, but he hasn't answered back with a response yet. So....tell me what you think? Be honest, I know some of you didn't want me to do it (Sorry Alana).

EXCUSE THE SUNBURN! IT'S A HOT DAY IN HAWAII...

Ok so its a LITTLE shorter than I imagined, but time will change that for me.

Vote on my haircut

So, I've been debating for a while now whether to cut my hair or not. I gave myself a goal and WHEN I reach that goal I plan to cut my hair. That goal is very close...so I need to prepare myself for this change. It took me an entire deployment to get my hair this long...and a few weeks ago I cut off about 2 inches b/c it was dead so I've become addicted to the sissors again...

So I was hoping for some of you to help me decide. Here are a few cuts that I am considering...tell me what you think will look good on me. PLUS, I am going a little blonder with highlights!! I think it's just time for a change as I enter the working world again.

P.S. Jeff thinks this is a bad idea b/c he says I always regret it...but hey, what's life without a little spunk right?

So tell me what you think.....do you like #1 or #2 ....OR do you have a style that I should try? I want something that is a bob style with layers so i can do different styles...help me out friends.

#1 (just a little longer...but I LOVE bangs and color).

#2 (kind of shorter than #1 but I love this style)

Now I know these are very similar...I'm looking mostly at the length. Also, notice that the second one kind of goes at an angle in the front...I dont want anything as draftic as Victoria Bechams but I want something sassy and cute. The first one is more of a bob with a few layers and the second has alot of layers (back picture not posted).....I may post more tomorrow. Help me out! Voting starts....NOW

Lonely Hawaii

So it has been exactly 36 hours since Jeff left for one month long training. For some reason we both had a hard time saying goodbye...we've done this so so so many times before but this time neither one of us wanted to let go. It was an emotional goodbye....maybe because we know what is to come as soon as he gets back. I keep reminding myself that we've done this numerous times before and it wont be any different than the other times. I think the fact that I"ll have a friend living with me during the deployment will keep my mind occupied a little and I wont be so lonely. I couldnt sleep my first night alone...I talked to Jeff on the phone for about 2 hours until *he says* I was uttering words that he couldnt understand...I even text him something about traffic...which had nothing to do with our conversation..so I must have been exhausted. Of course, my first night alone I woke up like 20 times to check the doors and look outside. My dogs have even noticed that Jeff is not here right now. I came home today and the dogs greeted me and then ran to the door just looking like they were completely confused.I dont know how I'm going to entertain these guys for a year. Jeff has always been the one to chase them and play with them. They are too rough for me; I love them, but they bite for a game...not cool with my fragile fingers.

So my agenda for this month alone. I plan to lose some more weight (update-I've lost 5lbs.) and my overall goal is 20 lbs. YES, I need to lose 20lbs. I know I lost like 45 while he was deployed...but he's made me gain back like 15 of that...yes, it is his fault. He always wants home cooked meals...cant pass up the homemade bread. lol. So, I've been working out for 21 days straight...3xs a day like last year. So we'll see what happens. I have to take my friend Jessie to the doctor and help her after a procedure, I have to complete this class to be a teacher in Hawaii, then I have to sit patiently and wait for my degree to finally come in the mail...countdown 30 days...ahh :sigh: Other than that, I only have weekly classes (for the teacher thing) and cleaning the house to keep me busy.

Jeff is already bored over there..he said it's hot, sticky, sandy & lonely. :( If only I could sneak in his package and keep him company. So, until my visit in November, I'm stuck on this island once again...wishing I was someplace else.

So So So many babies

ATTN: Baby Acting Scouters CUTE KID ALERT!!!

So I just wanted to welcome many babies...and say congrats to lots of new moms. While I don't have a little junior bouncing on my knee I am surrounded by little bundles of joys....allll around me. Many of my friends and family members are welcoming new babies....everytime I turn around. Jeff always said (in 2007) that the year 2008 would be the "year of the rat" and only boys would be born and everyone would be popping out kids. Well, maybe because we are on a military base with tons of pregnant women around us or the fact that it is the "year of the rat", but babies are overflowing this compound (my heart)...lol

Just to name a few of the CUTEST 2008 angels born:

(hope moms dont mind I'm proudly displaying your offspring to the world of bloggers)

Robert Michael (my best friend's baby) Savannah, GA June 2008

Ayden Anthony Wahiawa, HI July 2008

Mason Kai Wahiawa, HI May 2008

Jennah Lawrence Greenville, SC March 2008

Ruthie Newton, NJ April 2008

J.D. and Julian Greenville, SC


Babies TO BE born this year:

Lewis Broussard Honolulu, HI (Navy Brat) ;) Due Oct.

Name unknown Murphy (know they had a name picked but I dont want to spoil it) Due in Sept.

Name unknown Micke (Cousin's baby) Due December

Name unknown Micke (other cousin's baby) Due October/Nov.

Name unknown Szelesta (dont remember last name; other cousin's baby) Due Jan. 2009

Zander (I think that's his name)....anyday now.

Parker Parecco Due November

I think that names all of the babies...I know I'm missing some people, but there are just too many babies out there....So while I sit here feeling bad for myself because I dont have a baby to care for; I'm reminded of the beautiful faces that brighten my days each time their mommy's send me a picture on my cell phone. I havent had the pleasure of cuddling all of these cute faces but I hope to hold each and every one of them soon.

I constantly remind myself that when we have a baby it will be when we and everyone around us....least expects it. Jeff keeps saying it will happen when we're broke, moving to a new state, going through job changes or worse.....through a very tough time. So, while it may come as a shock and it may come unannounced....it will be the best blessing in the world. JUST PRAY THAT IT HAPPENS SOON.....My patience is being tested!

I also wanted to give a very special HAPPY BIRTHDAY wish to my nephew Matthew. He will be 6 on the 31st! My, they grow up so fast.

Worry....

As many of you know many of our Schofield soldiers will be deploying again in a few short months. This will not be our time saying goodbye for an extended period. But this time, there is a certain kind of worry that is different than all the other times. No, I dont have a baby to keep me occupied or the worry that daddy will never meet his child. I have a different worry. I worry that my soldier will not return to even have a child. I know that every deployment, every training operation brings a new kind of hazard, but this time I'm frozen with fear. I've been praying about this lately just asking God to give me a sign that we will have children and not to worry. Of course, if there was a guarantee then no Army wife would have to worry. After reading my daily devotional the other day I read a message that I feel was directly to ME on that exact day due to my uncontrollable fear. This is what it read.....

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrow; it empties today of its strength"......"As you consider the promises of Jesus, remember that God still sits in His heaven and you are His beloved child. And you are protected. Since the Lord is your shepard, what are you worried about?"

What this means to me: I will try not to sink in sorrow of missing my husband and smile as I praise Him for giving me such a wonderful gift of love. I pray that I am reminded daily that Jeff is protected and we are meant to be parents....eventually. I guess this message should be something that I can remind myself of everyday as I live another 15 months without my husband. I pray that I'll have the strength to escape the fear and rejoice in the "time" (video messaging, text messaging, emails, letter, etc.) that I will have with him. I'm not saying that I wont cry myself to sleep every night just like the other times, and I'll probably have my good days and bad days. But I KNOW that God has his hand on Jeff and all the other soldiers and He will bring them home.

As I continued my daily devotionals through the week I pondered on each of them differently. I read about being too busy, forgeting to pray, fellowshiping with other women and finally "when it's hard to be cheerful". That last devotional hit me hard which I read on July 14th. I came to the conclusion (not immediately) that my latest pregnancy was God's way of telling me 'You can get pregnant, it's just not time'. We were so worried and convinced that my body would never carry a child and never create a life. The doctors performed endless testing, poking, and other procedures that are too painful to describe....and nothing gave definate answers. Finally, on May 23 our dream came true...we were pregnant! The last few weeks have been really hard, but I struggle with feeling guilty for not providing a good home for that baby, and worrying that it was last chance to be a mother. My devotional on July 14th showed me that through my pain I can be cheerful. I can rejoice in the other parts of my life that bring me happiness. I'm learning as an adult that if I put God front and center then everything will fall in to place. I can be happy. He will bring me happiness. When things are taken away; they will be replaced with brighter, happier, fuller things. My favorite verse from my pastor's sermon a few weeks ago went along with this devotional:

"Be cheerful. Keep things in good repair. Keep your spirits up. Think in harmony. Be agreeable. Do all that, and the God of love and peace will be with you for sure." 2 Corinthians 13:11

So, what am I going to do this deployment? I'm going to cry, I'm going to mourn the time we will lose while he battles a war far away, but I will also try to wake up everyday and be cheerful. I will rejoice in the blessings that surround my life and I will THINK IN HARMONY. Through my worry and my tears, I will praise His name and know that He is with me always.

Miracle Ayden!!

***UPDATE***

Your prayers worked! Baby & Mommy are doing wonderfully. They were released last night. I had the chance to meet him and hold him last night. He's the perfect comibination of mommy & daddy. He has every feature imagineable of daddy except mommy's perky lips. He's the cutest thing ever...and quiet too. I only heard him cry once and the moment daddy held him...he was quiet. You can tell that this little man is going to be Rob's pride & joy. He welcomed the cries, offered to change every diaper, and even runs to the rescue when he spits up. Jackie has a great baby daddy....lol. They commented on how great he sleeps. He did not want to wake up the whole time we were there. I think he's going to be a very quiet boy.....until toddler age. I think everyone's prayers were answered...he's perfect, mom's healthy and they are happily making a home together. Plus, I think he likes me...lol He didnt cry, fart or poop on me!! I am thankful....I have a gag reflex...hahah.

We feel so blessed to have met Jackie & Rob. I wish that I had met her while the boys were deployed...since I met her a few months ago we have become really good friends. She has so many friends that I already like too...they are funny and just a hoot to be around.

Now that Ayden is finally here, happy & healthy I cannot wait to watch him grow into a noisey toddler.

Of course, this event has fueled OUR baby blues...yes, Jeff too!



So I just got a text that our friends Jackie & Rob (Jeff's bff from Iraq) just gave birth to their beautiful baby boy, Ayden. He was a stubborn little guy. Her expected due date was June 11th and everyday came and went without him here. Yesterday she was admitted and today at 9:03 a.m. a beautiful 7lb 7oz baby boy arrived....finally. I havent spoken to her so I'm not sure if it was c-section or natural, but either way they both came out safely. I have a few prayer requests for the Robert's new family:

1. Quick recovery for mama
2. Easy time feeding & sleeping the little guy.
3. Rob has time for lots of memories before leaving.
4. That the kid likes me (they'll be living here for a while so I need him to like me).
5. Baby & mama dont have to spend more than two days at Tripler.

I know that your prayers will be heard and they will head home soon with their new bundle of joy. In two weeks the new daddy will be joining the rest of our men to training and hopefully they will allow him to stay back so he can gain a few important memories with his new bundle.

Times like these make me so happy. I just wish that I could share her joy in a way that I can say "I know how you feel...". Still praying, someday it'll happen for us. I'm just learning to TRUST that God will make it happen soon. I'm trying really hard to ignore doctor's orders of "let's try this medicine, this procedure now so you are pregnant immediately". I don't believe that is God's plan. If he wanted it immediately I would still be pregnant. So today is a day of joy and happiness for a brand new life just started....and it's one to be celebrated.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY AYDEN ROBERTS!

Very busy week....ended

My parents came in on Thursday and a few short hours later my grandmother arrived. We made our first stop to NEX so that we could search for a new hat for my dad...if you saw his bald head, you'd understand his need to protect it from the sun... :) So once my family was settled in our house I posted our agenda on the fridge complete with deadlines....and bedtimes...lol. My parents thought it was funny...just my payback for 17 years. Our agenda was full for the short 4 days of their visit. First, we had our busy day on Friday. We left the house at 6:45 AM to be at Pearl Harbor by 8am. Shortly after arriving dad & Jeff made their place in line for us while the ladies went to the restroom....yes, this is an important detail so you understand how painful my weekend was....literally. On the way, mom says "watch out for the mud" and being the usual clumbsy person I am I fall right in to the wet mud. That wasnt the worst part....I bruised my very tender knee and cut it open. 5 days later and I just picked gravel out of my scab...gross. So we had a great time at Pearl Harbor. We enjoyed a history lesson and hearing a few survivors speak. I even saw a girl there that I knew from South Carolina...small island...literally. So here are a few pictures from our Pearl Harbor trip....

Jeff & I at the anchor!

The USS Arizona from the boat.

A few of the 4o something survivors....Jeff loved listening to them speak. Jeff & I on the ArizonaMy favorite picture....something special about a US Flag.

Following this trip to Pearl Harbor we left for a trip to the Ala Moana Mall. We enjoyed some lunch and went to a yummy bar. After endulging on some delicious foods we visited the Bodies exhibit. Without spoiling it the exhibit for you I will say that it was a learning experience. It was quite shocking to see some of those bodies....who were once alive just sitting there as people ooohhh and ahhhh over them. My mom kept saying "im getting queesy" but that's nothing new for her. She cant handle needles....even outside of the arm. lol. The only thing I do not recommend is the "audio tour" because it is not worth your $6 unless you have kids. The kids version is better for them. It was very emotional to see the fetal development section. I tried to avoid it at first, fear of breaking down, but God directed me in there. I didnt really learn anything new, but it was interesting to see. I felt bad when I saw the infants in there...I felt like they shouldnt be on display but it is to educate people. Needless to say, I spent a total of 2 minutes in there.

Saturday was an even busier day. We awoke about 7:00 to the smell of eggs, sausage, toast and fruit. Yep, daddy was making breakfast. That's my dad's specialty. He's always cooked breakfast on the weekends since I was little. So Saturday we spent the dat at the Polynesian Cultural Center. This was something I had been planning since I found out they were coming to visit. We spent the entire day there.....arrived at 11:00 and left at 9pm! It was a lot of fun and we enjoyed every moment....we chose not to have a guided tour so we could enjoy our time at each place as long as possible. I think my mom's camera had more fun than we did...lol. She took well over 100 pictures. Our favorite part was the guy who cracks coconuts and throws fire. He was hilarious.....and kept the whole crowd laughing with his sarcastic jokes. Here are a few pictures from that day....

My parents left yesterday and we enjoyed their visit so much. Probably more than last time...mainly because they wernt here for Jeff's deployment this time. We got to do alot more sight seeing this time and we had the chance to take them to places we have not had the chance to explore ourselves. Soon, I'll be going home for the holidays and then they can show me around the NEW greenville....it isnt my hometown anymore the way it has changed. Anymore visitors want to come stay with us?

My Graduation

Sunday was the day I've been working so hard for lately. I finally finished and will begin on my next degree in a few months....yes, I'm not finished yet. I plan to go as far as my student loans will take me...lol. I hope to match what my very smart father has achieved. I may not be top of my class or have a 4.0 but I'm very close and very proud of myself thus far. Here are some pics of that wonderful day.

My biggest supporter...hubby!
Me and my parents.

Me & daddy!
My grandmother & I....she flew in from Jersey just for this day!
Jeff & I at Cheesecake Factory....right after he gave me my diamond studs...Thanks honey! WHAT A SURPRISE!

This was only part of our very busy weekend. I will post more pictures later that show how we never stopped from the moment our visitors arrived!

My letter to our baby....

Dear Baby Strayer,

The moment I found out I was pregnant with you daddy was gone to train for another year of war. I instantly wondered how I was going to spend a year without him here and how we would survive on our own. After the instant fear passed, I began to dial phone numbers. Daddy wasnt answering....so I called a close friend. I was so excited that I dropped to my knees and prayed. I prayed that God would take care of you and then I thanked Him for this miracle. You see mommy and daddy had been trying really hard to have a baby and it just was not working. As we approached daddys departure date we had completely given up. You were truly a miracle baby no matter how long you were in mommys tummy. Our first doctor visit to "see" you was filled with many emotions. I felt in my heart something was wrong, after the doctor showed me and daddy your little tiny heartbeat I had a moment of peace. We left the hospital wrapped in eachother's arms. Daddy kept singing a song called "Baby Strayer". It was the happiest time of my life. I held you in my tummy for 7 wonderful weeks. Every symptom of pregnancy was the most wonderful experience...honestly, it was. I didnt mind being sick or even sleeping all day. I loved having a purpose. My purpose was to be your mother.

It has been two weeks since God called you home. I will never hold you in this physical world, I will never take you to the doctors for your 6 weeks check up, never have your 1yr pictures taken by your talented Grandma, and daddy will never have the chance to teach you baseball or cheerleading...whatever you wanted. I cry so hard when I think of all the times we will never share. I long to meet you and hold you. Someday when our Father calls me home, will you please wait for me at the gates? I'll know your face anywhere even though I've never seen your smile.

Every moment that you were "here" I loved you even more. Did you know that I read to you? I did not even know that I was pregnant yet and I read a bible verse to you. I cannot explain it but for three whole days before I found out the doggies (who would have loved you) sat on my lap sniffing my tummy. So I thought that was a "sign" that maybe something is in there. So I was reading something a story in the bible about a man named Abraham and I read that story to you.

I know that someday when it is my time I will be a mommy again. I know that you'll be his/her guardian angel. Please watch over me and daddy as we embark on yet another deployment. I will talk to you everynight and make sure that I remember the short time you were here in mommys tummy. Please do not ever forget that we wanted you so much! I promise that I'll do everything right so that we can meet in His presence.

Love Always,
Mommy

My favorite verse ......

Today I was reading Taylor's blog and as I commented on her beautiful son I read a comment from someone else. They quoted a verse that gives me strength....

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." ~2 Cor. 12:8

I know this is true because when I am down, He lifts me up. When I dont feel like getting out of bed, He puts my feet on the ground. When I cry tears of pain, He wipes them away and puts a smile on my face. Through His grace, I'll be whole again someday. The pain will never disappear, but I know in time it will fade.

I was reading an article today on the magnitude of miscarriage. Some quotes used in the article really stick out in my mind. Some make me laugh, and others make me hope that no one forgets our miracle baby.

"A person is a person no matter how small" ~ Dr. Suess Horton hatches the egg

"In our society, we measure grief by the size of the coffin." Sherokee Ilse, Empty Arms

These quotes are something that will stick with me for a long time. While the Horton comments makes you smile. It is all too real in my situation. Some people have told me "you were only...weeks". Well, I dont care if I had only been 7 days pregnant there was a human in there that needed my love and my womb. It hurts to think that people really do measure loss by the size of a casket. When someone loses a loved one, no matter if they knew them for 40 years or 40 minutes. That loss is greater to them than anything else in the world. I cry along with the many babies that have gone to Heaven so soon. I weap for my baby that I never got to know. I wish that society would recognize my baby as a person and not as an "embryo". When we saw that heartbeat we knew there was someone in there. That baby relied on us to bring them here to discover the world. God needed my baby more than I did and I know that someday I will rejoice in His arms while my baby rests in mine.

Humbled

As I sit and read stories of pregnancies and newborns lost I mourn the time I missed with my little one. I know that my story is all too familiar to some people and that I am just another woman crying somewhere in the world. To me, this baby was everything we ever wanted. This baby was our gift from God. Even though we never held him/her, gave kisses and hugs, we loved that baby from the moment we tested positive. Some people have already told me "you can always get pregnant again" or "atleast you know your body works" (even my own doctor said that). But those words dont make me feel better, they make me feel worse. I wanted THIS baby not another one. To feel as though the whole world has already forgotten my baby just makes my heart break even more. I wish that no one had to experience a loss like this or even worse. I wish that babies were born no matter what. The only thing that I can do to make me feel better about this situation is to think that our baby was just too perfect for this world.

Our real reason for not having this baby.....

My doctor informed me that the tests from the embryo came back that everything was perfect and he/she had no chromosonal abnormalities. He also told me that the urine test I took at my last ER visit showed I had another UTI (my first one was detected at my pregnancy confirmation appt but only treated for two days). Which he believes was so bad he was surprised I was not hospitalized for that. His words, "I cant believe you werent crying in pain each time you urinated." So following that information the doctor concluded that most likely our miscarriage was due to a Urinary Tract Infection. Jeff believes that is good news, he says that means I didnt do anything wrong and that our baby was ok. But this just makes me feel even worse. Now, I feel like I should have known. Why didnt I know I had an infection? Why didnt my body warn me that something was wrong? Yeah, I had horrible back pain but I thought that was from just being pregnant. Next time, I know not to let a back ache just go unchecked. So with a little peace in my heart knowing our baby was perfect healthy, I can sleep knowing he/she is resting in the arms of our God and is watching over us. I often wonder what do unborn babies look like in Heaven? I know they are perfect...but someday will I see their actual face, nose, toes and ears? It probably sounds strange, but knowing my baby is in Heaven makes me want to be there even more. (No not a reason to worry about me.) My faith tells me that someday when it is my time, I will be there.

I read quite a few blogs on a daily basis and this one blog reads of a strong family that has experienced so much heartbreak and through their trials they live to bring others closer to God. I know my relationship strengthens each time I read of their courage and love for Him. Im not ashamed to say I love God! People across the country and around the world are experiencing far worse trials than we are and they still put their feet on the floor everyday and go about their days. Perhaps people around the world are praying for them... I believe in the power of prayer and through the many prayers people have said for us I am able to stand up and live each day.

As my day comes to an end...or maybe beginning (its 1 am!) I am humbled by the Grace of God and the mercy he has shown to me. I am not perfect, I am not a saint, but in His eys I am worthy of his love. I am humbled!