Friday, October 31, 2008

Take a number

I've always been the kind of person that stands in line without noise, I patiently wait my turn as my number is called and I always let someone with less groceries or items in front me so they dont have to wait any longer. So, is it coming back to haunt me? Am I letting people in front of me while I patiently wait to become a mother? I am overjoyed and extremely excited to say that I'm going to be an Aunt. My oldest sister is almost 3 months along and having her first baby....totally unexpected. So, since she is older did she get my number? There are about 8 babies on the way or already here that I have met or will be related to. I look at these babies with a smile and wonder "when will you have a little cousin or friend to play with?" I lovelovelove holding babies and witnessing their pure innocence but after the babies leave, the doors close and I'm all alone I cry, beg, pray and wonder: When will it be my turn? Since Jeff just left two weeks ago and we have another 50 weeks to go before we can be reunited and start trying again I am forced to deal with my emotions from the 3 most recent losses. I guess my number now is wayyyy at the end of the line. Most women that I know do not have to deal with this issue...or do they? No one that I know has had to wonder "when can we try again....next month, next week, next cycle...." I do not have my husband, it is physically impossible for us to try again. I have one immediate friend (great friend!) who is struggling to have a baby as well and while her circumstances are similar; they are VERY different. Her husband makes "deposits" to a hosptial promising to make her a baby, and when they "feel" they are ovulating THEY TRY! So, now as I impatiently sit and wait for my husband's return from this war....I have to wonder WHAT WILL OUR NUMBER BE? I often wonder if I'm completely alone in this process. While my husband is wonderful and tries his best to comfort me he's over 10,000 miles away and cannot begin to understand how I am feeling. He had his time to grieve and I think he is done...but I am not. He often asks "are you still having a hard time with this"; I just smile and say "no" but what I really want to say is....

IT'S NOT FAIR!
NO, I'M NOT OK.
I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME!
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO BE PARENTS???
WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?
I CANNOT STOP CRYING.
HELP ME JEFF!

Those are my true feelings. Feelings that I do not want to burden him with while he works to help the Iraqi people. I do not have any friends who understand. So, while I sit and hold these beautiful babies that God gave my friends, cousins, sisters, family members I want to say "little one, before you came did you have a number while waiting for a mommy?" If you haven't lost a pregnancy or said goodbye to someone you never met you cannot possibly understand what it feels like. I remember saying to Jeff on May 23, 2008 'I have something to tell you...you're going to be a daddy". I remember hearing his expressions and knowing that he had a huge smile on his face and while our excitement continued the day we saw the heartbeat for the first time I just remember thinking "this time next year.....we will have a newborn". Well, it's been 4 months and two more losses....and still not any closer to a newborn. When will it be my turn?

I guess this entry should be in my personal journal and not plastered for everyone to see....I have this fear that the next time you see me you look at me with empathy and ask me if I"m ok. Of course, I'm going to say I'm fine but what I really want to say is ..... "What number do you have....am I after you?" (this applies b/c literally EVERYONE I know except maybe one friend is expecting a miracle in the next few months). I kind of kept this to myself but October was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month....in addition to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It was also the day before I said goodbye (once again) to my husband and watched him leave for war. So, that day was special and horrible for me. I secretly wanted to burn a candle for each of our angel babies and remember the short time I knew they were in there. But, since it was suppose to be our last moments together I just kept them in my heart. Well, now since I have an empty bedroom and plenty of lonely nights I lit a few candles and cried myself to sleep a few days ago. Silly? I dont think so....it helped me. I constantly try to think of how I can always be reminded of my angel babies...should I get a piece of memorial jewelry, make a memory book (but what do you put in it?), constantly write (i tried that), or do I just try to forget?


So, when I finally get my number and I finally hear "congratulations" and I finally have something to be excited about.....I will NOT let anyone in front of me in the line....I want my chance.

3 comments:

Roxy said...

My heart aches and I tear up when I think about your wanting to be a mother. There are too many women out there who take for granted that experience. I am part of the horrible club of women who have lost a child and it's not a wound that ever heals. Just know you have people ready to push anyone out of your way when your number comes up...

Ash said...

You day will come! God has things planned for each of us, and maybe it's just not the right time. We can't understand why things happen the way that they do, we just have to keep our faith and press on. I have an angel baby as well (I wasn't very far along), but it still hurts the same. It was a long time ago, but it does get easier. Before you know it, you'll have one of your own. :D I hope you feel better, I know it's not much, and if we weren't so far apart, then I'd defiantly be there for you, but I guess the internet will have to do!

Crystal Gail said...

I love the analogies you come up with to help people to relate to your pain. It's so deep I truly understand. It's exactly how I would want to explain it to anyone. Mine isn't the same or as deep as your's I know that but I feel like we're soul sisters always in the same boat with such similarities in our life. God was great when he made me a friend like you. I know you find your strength in God and I know you have your times where you down and want to scream at the world. Just remember in spirit or otherwise I'll always be there holding your hand and screaming with you too. I love you.