Thursday, November 27, 2008
I am thankful for....
My husband being deployed every other year. (I know God is watching over him and will bring him home~so I must be thankful for him leaving, right?)
Our infertility and 3 angel babies. (I really wish God would just tell me why and make my pain go away).
My friends who are hurting....(God you must have given them this pain for some reason.)
The oceans between me and my family. (I wrote...you're saying me on gas. haha. But it hurts to not see them or hug them, but I'm hoping this is for a reason.)
Well, now that I have written it I am going to ponder on each of them and really try to find something about these situations that I can be thankful for....as hard as it will be. The blogger that challenged us lost her daughter shortly after birth. So, I ask myself "Should I be thankful that I lost mine so early so I didnt have to experience burying my child?" That seems so selfish of me...but its the only thing I can come up with to be thankful for in my case. The pain of not having my babies here is greater than I ever imagined. While my tears do not come every night like they used to, I do sometimes cry in the shower when I think 'I shouldnt be have time to shower, I should be getting ready for a baby'. God is healing my heart and taking away my anger. Anger about why I cannot just create a life, safely bring it into this world after a healthy 9 months and be the mother that I always dreamed Iwould someday become....now, I'm not so angry. I've been through the motions of grief. God has spoken to me at the most rarest of times. I was talking to a friend who is going through a divorce and it dawned on me that I was telling her she shouldnt ask "why me" because God doesnt punish us; He gives us opportunities to rejoice in His word. Well, God I'm sorry I didnt act on it at the time...but I'm hearing you now. I do not blame you, I am not angry, I'm sorry I yelled at you and begged you to bring my babies back that I know are in Heaven celebrating by your side.
Thankful....I'm thankful alright. I'm thankful that God will someday allow me to join His home and finally meet my babies, my grandfather, great grandmother, and my great uncles. I'm thankful that YOU gave me a body to enjoy for however long you see fit and thankful that I have many people who love me and appreciate my life. I AM thankful God. Just not ready to say thanks for all of the pain that I have experienced....Give me time, you know I always come around.
I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Perhaps Angie's challenge will touch someone's life or have them think long and hard about why we should be thankful for our pain, anger and tears.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
We also gave out playdoh instead of candy...I recently returned from the dentist where I was told I needed ALOT of work and next week (the day after my bday) Im getting a root canal so in my efforts to spare children this pain....I opted for something that can ruin parents' carpets, stain clothing and possibly be eaten by youngsters....hehe. See, I can do this because I dont have children. My original idea was to put the playdoh in a bucket filled with green jello and make the kids reach in for them, but instead we walked around and handed out the playdoh instead.
Lucki and Makai dressed up too. Lucki even got a little bored with walking (since I wouldnt let him chase the other dogs) and took a ride in the stroller. He actually stayed in there without any problems for the entire time. It's just a proud moment in my life as a dog mom!