Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thankful....really?

I was reading a blog that I read literally almost everynight (even when she doesnt post new things...i read the old) and she always has something new and uplifting to say. Well, tonight she wrote a challenge for her readers. She challenged us to take some time tomorrow and write down something that we really are not thankful for....that way even though the words hurt we learn not to question or blame God and instead thank Him. So, I challenged myself. No, I have not written anything down yet...but I have already come up with a few things. Maybe you could complete her challenge as well....I dont know what I'm expecting to happen or when God will speak to me, but I know He will. So here it goes....you're going to see what I will not be thanking God for tomorrow at Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for....

My husband being deployed every other year. (I know God is watching over him and will bring him home~so I must be thankful for him leaving, right?)

Our infertility and 3 angel babies. (I really wish God would just tell me why and make my pain go away).

My friends who are hurting....(God you must have given them this pain for some reason.)

The oceans between me and my family. (I wrote...you're saying me on gas. haha. But it hurts to not see them or hug them, but I'm hoping this is for a reason.)

Well, now that I have written it I am going to ponder on each of them and really try to find something about these situations that I can be thankful for....as hard as it will be. The blogger that challenged us lost her daughter shortly after birth. So, I ask myself "Should I be thankful that I lost mine so early so I didnt have to experience burying my child?" That seems so selfish of me...but its the only thing I can come up with to be thankful for in my case. The pain of not having my babies here is greater than I ever imagined. While my tears do not come every night like they used to, I do sometimes cry in the shower when I think 'I shouldnt be have time to shower, I should be getting ready for a baby'. God is healing my heart and taking away my anger. Anger about why I cannot just create a life, safely bring it into this world after a healthy 9 months and be the mother that I always dreamed Iwould someday become....now, I'm not so angry. I've been through the motions of grief. God has spoken to me at the most rarest of times. I was talking to a friend who is going through a divorce and it dawned on me that I was telling her she shouldnt ask "why me" because God doesnt punish us; He gives us opportunities to rejoice in His word. Well, God I'm sorry I didnt act on it at the time...but I'm hearing you now. I do not blame you, I am not angry, I'm sorry I yelled at you and begged you to bring my babies back that I know are in Heaven celebrating by your side.

Thankful....I'm thankful alright. I'm thankful that God will someday allow me to join His home and finally meet my babies, my grandfather, great grandmother, and my great uncles. I'm thankful that YOU gave me a body to enjoy for however long you see fit and thankful that I have many people who love me and appreciate my life. I AM thankful God. Just not ready to say thanks for all of the pain that I have experienced....Give me time, you know I always come around.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Perhaps Angie's challenge will touch someone's life or have them think long and hard about why we should be thankful for our pain, anger and tears.

1 comment:

Heather said...

You speak such wise words. I have read many of your blogs, and each one brings a little more insight to "neighbor Leza." There are so many issues that I am dealing with, internally, and I hope to one day be able to see things like you do. I know, in my heart, that God has his reasons for everything that He does, and that He has a plan for me. I just want to get to the point where I am not angry about the past anymore. I have been through the motions, just as you have, but you are conquering it better than I. Just keep on writting so folks like me can come to terms with the issues that are hard to let go of. Your words are inspirational. Keep them coming.