As many of you know many of our Schofield soldiers will be deploying again in a few short months. This will not be our time saying goodbye for an extended period. But this time, there is a certain kind of worry that is different than all the other times. No, I dont have a baby to keep me occupied or the worry that daddy will never meet his child. I have a different worry. I worry that my soldier will not return to even have a child. I know that every deployment, every training operation brings a new kind of hazard, but this time I'm frozen with fear. I've been praying about this lately just asking God to give me a sign that we will have children and not to worry. Of course, if there was a guarantee then no Army wife would have to worry. After reading my daily devotional the other day I read a message that I feel was directly to ME on that exact day due to my uncontrollable fear. This is what it read.....
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrow; it empties today of its strength"......"As you consider the promises of Jesus, remember that God still sits in His heaven and you are His beloved child. And you are protected. Since the Lord is your shepard, what are you worried about?"
What this means to me: I will try not to sink in sorrow of missing my husband and smile as I praise Him for giving me such a wonderful gift of love. I pray that I am reminded daily that Jeff is protected and we are meant to be parents....eventually. I guess this message should be something that I can remind myself of everyday as I live another 15 months without my husband. I pray that I'll have the strength to escape the fear and rejoice in the "time" (video messaging, text messaging, emails, letter, etc.) that I will have with him. I'm not saying that I wont cry myself to sleep every night just like the other times, and I'll probably have my good days and bad days. But I KNOW that God has his hand on Jeff and all the other soldiers and He will bring them home.
As I continued my daily devotionals through the week I pondered on each of them differently. I read about being too busy, forgeting to pray, fellowshiping with other women and finally "when it's hard to be cheerful". That last devotional hit me hard which I read on July 14th. I came to the conclusion (not immediately) that my latest pregnancy was God's way of telling me 'You can get pregnant, it's just not time'. We were so worried and convinced that my body would never carry a child and never create a life. The doctors performed endless testing, poking, and other procedures that are too painful to describe....and nothing gave definate answers. Finally, on May 23 our dream came true...we were pregnant! The last few weeks have been really hard, but I struggle with feeling guilty for not providing a good home for that baby, and worrying that it was last chance to be a mother. My devotional on July 14th showed me that through my pain I can be cheerful. I can rejoice in the other parts of my life that bring me happiness. I'm learning as an adult that if I put God front and center then everything will fall in to place. I can be happy. He will bring me happiness. When things are taken away; they will be replaced with brighter, happier, fuller things. My favorite verse from my pastor's sermon a few weeks ago went along with this devotional:
"Be cheerful. Keep things in good repair. Keep your spirits up. Think in harmony. Be agreeable. Do all that, and the God of love and peace will be with you for sure." 2 Corinthians 13:11
So, what am I going to do this deployment? I'm going to cry, I'm going to mourn the time we will lose while he battles a war far away, but I will also try to wake up everyday and be cheerful. I will rejoice in the blessings that surround my life and I will THINK IN HARMONY. Through my worry and my tears, I will praise His name and know that He is with me always.