As I sit and read stories of pregnancies and newborns lost I mourn the time I missed with my little one. I know that my story is all too familiar to some people and that I am just another woman crying somewhere in the world. To me, this baby was everything we ever wanted. This baby was our gift from God. Even though we never held him/her, gave kisses and hugs, we loved that baby from the moment we tested positive. Some people have already told me "you can always get pregnant again" or "atleast you know your body works" (even my own doctor said that). But those words dont make me feel better, they make me feel worse. I wanted THIS baby not another one. To feel as though the whole world has already forgotten my baby just makes my heart break even more. I wish that no one had to experience a loss like this or even worse. I wish that babies were born no matter what. The only thing that I can do to make me feel better about this situation is to think that our baby was just too perfect for this world.
Our real reason for not having this baby.....
My doctor informed me that the tests from the embryo came back that everything was perfect and he/she had no chromosonal abnormalities. He also told me that the urine test I took at my last ER visit showed I had another UTI (my first one was detected at my pregnancy confirmation appt but only treated for two days). Which he believes was so bad he was surprised I was not hospitalized for that. His words, "I cant believe you werent crying in pain each time you urinated." So following that information the doctor concluded that most likely our miscarriage was due to a Urinary Tract Infection. Jeff believes that is good news, he says that means I didnt do anything wrong and that our baby was ok. But this just makes me feel even worse. Now, I feel like I should have known. Why didnt I know I had an infection? Why didnt my body warn me that something was wrong? Yeah, I had horrible back pain but I thought that was from just being pregnant. Next time, I know not to let a back ache just go unchecked. So with a little peace in my heart knowing our baby was perfect healthy, I can sleep knowing he/she is resting in the arms of our God and is watching over us. I often wonder what do unborn babies look like in Heaven? I know they are perfect...but someday will I see their actual face, nose, toes and ears? It probably sounds strange, but knowing my baby is in Heaven makes me want to be there even more. (No not a reason to worry about me.) My faith tells me that someday when it is my time, I will be there.
I read quite a few blogs on a daily basis and this one blog reads of a strong family that has experienced so much heartbreak and through their trials they live to bring others closer to God. I know my relationship strengthens each time I read of their courage and love for Him. Im not ashamed to say I love God! People across the country and around the world are experiencing far worse trials than we are and they still put their feet on the floor everyday and go about their days. Perhaps people around the world are praying for them... I believe in the power of prayer and through the many prayers people have said for us I am able to stand up and live each day.
As my day comes to an end...or maybe beginning (its 1 am!) I am humbled by the Grace of God and the mercy he has shown to me. I am not perfect, I am not a saint, but in His eys I am worthy of his love. I am humbled!
2 days ago