Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Saying goodbye too soon.

Last Wednesday Jeff & I had the happiest day of our lives...so far. We were scheduled for an ultrasound that would allow us to confirm where I was in the pregnancy. The baby measured at 6weeks 2 days and we got to see a tiny flicker that was the heartbeat. We were so excited Jeff asked the doctor to stay there just for a minute so he could watch. She told me that everything looked great and that I would come back in two weeks for my 8 week appointment.
Later that evening I began to have some symptoms that are not normal for early pregnancy. We rushed to the emergency room where I was told that I was not priority and the doctor assured me that I was ok and to go home. Needless to say, the following two days were HELL. I was in alot of pain and I knew something was not right. Jeff and the doctor continued to tell me that I was simply stressing myself out. By Saturday the pain was unbearable. I was curled in a ball on the living room floor while Jeff rubbed my back and continued to tell me that I should be positive. Finally, we rushed to the ER again. This time I had a wonderful and sensitive doctor who could tell me from my symptoms that something was not right. After an ultrasound and exam he confirmed that I was experiencing the beginning of a miscarriage. As we left the hospital I remember walking out where a family with twins was waiting and I just couldnt understand why some people are blessed with two babies and I cannot even have one of my own. I struggle with the emotions of loss everyday. I question why my baby was taken so early before we even got to hold him/her. I know that someday God will provide us with a family to call our own. With the help of medical science and an act of God someday we'll have a baby of our own.
I am so grateful for the few friends who have reached out. I'm sorry if I did not answer phone calls, emails or the front door....you know who you are. I am still just starting to respond to some people. I have learned from this experience who my true friends are and who will be there when I need them the most. Words cannot take my pain away, but I know that many of you have tried. I dont know when I will begin to heal emotionally, but all of the physical signs of ever being pregnant are gone. My body quickly healed after 5 days of unbearable pain and doctors have told me that next month we can try again. While Jeff is preparing for his next deployment we are focusing on spending as much time together as possible. He has been my rock through this whole experience. Through his grief he continued to be there for me.
I really appreciate all of the kind words and thoughts. I know that through prayer someday we'll have our family.
God Bless!

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