Saturday, June 28, 2008

My letter to our baby....

Dear Baby Strayer,

The moment I found out I was pregnant with you daddy was gone to train for another year of war. I instantly wondered how I was going to spend a year without him here and how we would survive on our own. After the instant fear passed, I began to dial phone numbers. Daddy wasnt answering....so I called a close friend. I was so excited that I dropped to my knees and prayed. I prayed that God would take care of you and then I thanked Him for this miracle. You see mommy and daddy had been trying really hard to have a baby and it just was not working. As we approached daddys departure date we had completely given up. You were truly a miracle baby no matter how long you were in mommys tummy. Our first doctor visit to "see" you was filled with many emotions. I felt in my heart something was wrong, after the doctor showed me and daddy your little tiny heartbeat I had a moment of peace. We left the hospital wrapped in eachother's arms. Daddy kept singing a song called "Baby Strayer". It was the happiest time of my life. I held you in my tummy for 7 wonderful weeks. Every symptom of pregnancy was the most wonderful experience...honestly, it was. I didnt mind being sick or even sleeping all day. I loved having a purpose. My purpose was to be your mother.

It has been two weeks since God called you home. I will never hold you in this physical world, I will never take you to the doctors for your 6 weeks check up, never have your 1yr pictures taken by your talented Grandma, and daddy will never have the chance to teach you baseball or cheerleading...whatever you wanted. I cry so hard when I think of all the times we will never share. I long to meet you and hold you. Someday when our Father calls me home, will you please wait for me at the gates? I'll know your face anywhere even though I've never seen your smile.

Every moment that you were "here" I loved you even more. Did you know that I read to you? I did not even know that I was pregnant yet and I read a bible verse to you. I cannot explain it but for three whole days before I found out the doggies (who would have loved you) sat on my lap sniffing my tummy. So I thought that was a "sign" that maybe something is in there. So I was reading something a story in the bible about a man named Abraham and I read that story to you.

I know that someday when it is my time I will be a mommy again. I know that you'll be his/her guardian angel. Please watch over me and daddy as we embark on yet another deployment. I will talk to you everynight and make sure that I remember the short time you were here in mommys tummy. Please do not ever forget that we wanted you so much! I promise that I'll do everything right so that we can meet in His presence.

Love Always,
Mommy

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Leza,

You don't know me and I don't know you. I came across your blog as I was "jumping from the blog of one friend to the blog of another". I'm not sure why, but I so enjoy reading blogs even from people that I don't even know.

Anyway, your's caught my eye and I began reading (please forgive me if it seems like a breach of confidentiality!). Dear Baby Strayer....wow, I wonder what this mom is saying to her precious baby I thought. So I read and read and read through your last couple of blogs and my heart reached out to you. You see, I lost a baby too. Not to miscarriage, I actually carried full term knowing that Andrew probably wouldn't live and if he did, he'd be deformed in multiple ways. He was born on November 3, 1998 and he lived 5 minutes short of two hours. He actually passed away in my husbands arms. He was beautiful. He had all 5 toes and all 5 fingers and his face was beautiful. I'm so thankful for the ob nurses that took pictures of him and gave them to me. We had a full funeral for him and his casket was so small. He looked just like his Nana (my husband's mother). Anyway, I say all that to say, my heart goes out to you. I will pray for you as the Lord brings you to my mind. Please know that your baby is in the arms of Almighty God and you WILL see him again!!!! He WILL know who you are and you WILL know who he is!!! I don't believe that God took him from you just like I don't believe God "took" my Andrew. Miscarriage is something that is a very tragic event, but I personally do NOT believe that God TOOK him from you. The word says that God came to GIVE life and life more abundantly. If your heart is to be a mother then God knows that because He put that desire IN YOU! He will fulfill it! I encourage you to BLESS God in the middle of your pain and as you worship Him regardless of the circumstances, you'll see your joy return. Please forgive me for being so forward, but since the days following us burying Andrew, we have always endeavored to encourage anyone going through something like this. If you'd like to "talk" more about this you can email me at jshaffer@cc911ema.com

As I said before, I'll certainly be praying for you and I can't wait to see what God does in your life in the future. You'll be a wonderful mommy!!!!

Love in Christ,

Jeremie Shaffer
Andalusia, Alabama

Christina Sabo said...

How beautiful. I have no doubt you will be blessed with a beautiful healthy baby one day. You are still in my prayers.