My letter to our baby....

Dear Baby Strayer,

The moment I found out I was pregnant with you daddy was gone to train for another year of war. I instantly wondered how I was going to spend a year without him here and how we would survive on our own. After the instant fear passed, I began to dial phone numbers. Daddy wasnt answering....so I called a close friend. I was so excited that I dropped to my knees and prayed. I prayed that God would take care of you and then I thanked Him for this miracle. You see mommy and daddy had been trying really hard to have a baby and it just was not working. As we approached daddys departure date we had completely given up. You were truly a miracle baby no matter how long you were in mommys tummy. Our first doctor visit to "see" you was filled with many emotions. I felt in my heart something was wrong, after the doctor showed me and daddy your little tiny heartbeat I had a moment of peace. We left the hospital wrapped in eachother's arms. Daddy kept singing a song called "Baby Strayer". It was the happiest time of my life. I held you in my tummy for 7 wonderful weeks. Every symptom of pregnancy was the most wonderful experience...honestly, it was. I didnt mind being sick or even sleeping all day. I loved having a purpose. My purpose was to be your mother.

It has been two weeks since God called you home. I will never hold you in this physical world, I will never take you to the doctors for your 6 weeks check up, never have your 1yr pictures taken by your talented Grandma, and daddy will never have the chance to teach you baseball or cheerleading...whatever you wanted. I cry so hard when I think of all the times we will never share. I long to meet you and hold you. Someday when our Father calls me home, will you please wait for me at the gates? I'll know your face anywhere even though I've never seen your smile.

Every moment that you were "here" I loved you even more. Did you know that I read to you? I did not even know that I was pregnant yet and I read a bible verse to you. I cannot explain it but for three whole days before I found out the doggies (who would have loved you) sat on my lap sniffing my tummy. So I thought that was a "sign" that maybe something is in there. So I was reading something a story in the bible about a man named Abraham and I read that story to you.

I know that someday when it is my time I will be a mommy again. I know that you'll be his/her guardian angel. Please watch over me and daddy as we embark on yet another deployment. I will talk to you everynight and make sure that I remember the short time you were here in mommys tummy. Please do not ever forget that we wanted you so much! I promise that I'll do everything right so that we can meet in His presence.

Love Always,
Mommy

My favorite verse ......

Today I was reading Taylor's blog and as I commented on her beautiful son I read a comment from someone else. They quoted a verse that gives me strength....

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." ~2 Cor. 12:8

I know this is true because when I am down, He lifts me up. When I dont feel like getting out of bed, He puts my feet on the ground. When I cry tears of pain, He wipes them away and puts a smile on my face. Through His grace, I'll be whole again someday. The pain will never disappear, but I know in time it will fade.

I was reading an article today on the magnitude of miscarriage. Some quotes used in the article really stick out in my mind. Some make me laugh, and others make me hope that no one forgets our miracle baby.

"A person is a person no matter how small" ~ Dr. Suess Horton hatches the egg

"In our society, we measure grief by the size of the coffin." Sherokee Ilse, Empty Arms

These quotes are something that will stick with me for a long time. While the Horton comments makes you smile. It is all too real in my situation. Some people have told me "you were only...weeks". Well, I dont care if I had only been 7 days pregnant there was a human in there that needed my love and my womb. It hurts to think that people really do measure loss by the size of a casket. When someone loses a loved one, no matter if they knew them for 40 years or 40 minutes. That loss is greater to them than anything else in the world. I cry along with the many babies that have gone to Heaven so soon. I weap for my baby that I never got to know. I wish that society would recognize my baby as a person and not as an "embryo". When we saw that heartbeat we knew there was someone in there. That baby relied on us to bring them here to discover the world. God needed my baby more than I did and I know that someday I will rejoice in His arms while my baby rests in mine.

Humbled

As I sit and read stories of pregnancies and newborns lost I mourn the time I missed with my little one. I know that my story is all too familiar to some people and that I am just another woman crying somewhere in the world. To me, this baby was everything we ever wanted. This baby was our gift from God. Even though we never held him/her, gave kisses and hugs, we loved that baby from the moment we tested positive. Some people have already told me "you can always get pregnant again" or "atleast you know your body works" (even my own doctor said that). But those words dont make me feel better, they make me feel worse. I wanted THIS baby not another one. To feel as though the whole world has already forgotten my baby just makes my heart break even more. I wish that no one had to experience a loss like this or even worse. I wish that babies were born no matter what. The only thing that I can do to make me feel better about this situation is to think that our baby was just too perfect for this world.

Our real reason for not having this baby.....

My doctor informed me that the tests from the embryo came back that everything was perfect and he/she had no chromosonal abnormalities. He also told me that the urine test I took at my last ER visit showed I had another UTI (my first one was detected at my pregnancy confirmation appt but only treated for two days). Which he believes was so bad he was surprised I was not hospitalized for that. His words, "I cant believe you werent crying in pain each time you urinated." So following that information the doctor concluded that most likely our miscarriage was due to a Urinary Tract Infection. Jeff believes that is good news, he says that means I didnt do anything wrong and that our baby was ok. But this just makes me feel even worse. Now, I feel like I should have known. Why didnt I know I had an infection? Why didnt my body warn me that something was wrong? Yeah, I had horrible back pain but I thought that was from just being pregnant. Next time, I know not to let a back ache just go unchecked. So with a little peace in my heart knowing our baby was perfect healthy, I can sleep knowing he/she is resting in the arms of our God and is watching over us. I often wonder what do unborn babies look like in Heaven? I know they are perfect...but someday will I see their actual face, nose, toes and ears? It probably sounds strange, but knowing my baby is in Heaven makes me want to be there even more. (No not a reason to worry about me.) My faith tells me that someday when it is my time, I will be there.

I read quite a few blogs on a daily basis and this one blog reads of a strong family that has experienced so much heartbreak and through their trials they live to bring others closer to God. I know my relationship strengthens each time I read of their courage and love for Him. Im not ashamed to say I love God! People across the country and around the world are experiencing far worse trials than we are and they still put their feet on the floor everyday and go about their days. Perhaps people around the world are praying for them... I believe in the power of prayer and through the many prayers people have said for us I am able to stand up and live each day.

As my day comes to an end...or maybe beginning (its 1 am!) I am humbled by the Grace of God and the mercy he has shown to me. I am not perfect, I am not a saint, but in His eys I am worthy of his love. I am humbled!

Saying goodbye too soon.

Last Wednesday Jeff & I had the happiest day of our lives...so far. We were scheduled for an ultrasound that would allow us to confirm where I was in the pregnancy. The baby measured at 6weeks 2 days and we got to see a tiny flicker that was the heartbeat. We were so excited Jeff asked the doctor to stay there just for a minute so he could watch. She told me that everything looked great and that I would come back in two weeks for my 8 week appointment.
Later that evening I began to have some symptoms that are not normal for early pregnancy. We rushed to the emergency room where I was told that I was not priority and the doctor assured me that I was ok and to go home. Needless to say, the following two days were HELL. I was in alot of pain and I knew something was not right. Jeff and the doctor continued to tell me that I was simply stressing myself out. By Saturday the pain was unbearable. I was curled in a ball on the living room floor while Jeff rubbed my back and continued to tell me that I should be positive. Finally, we rushed to the ER again. This time I had a wonderful and sensitive doctor who could tell me from my symptoms that something was not right. After an ultrasound and exam he confirmed that I was experiencing the beginning of a miscarriage. As we left the hospital I remember walking out where a family with twins was waiting and I just couldnt understand why some people are blessed with two babies and I cannot even have one of my own. I struggle with the emotions of loss everyday. I question why my baby was taken so early before we even got to hold him/her. I know that someday God will provide us with a family to call our own. With the help of medical science and an act of God someday we'll have a baby of our own.
I am so grateful for the few friends who have reached out. I'm sorry if I did not answer phone calls, emails or the front door....you know who you are. I am still just starting to respond to some people. I have learned from this experience who my true friends are and who will be there when I need them the most. Words cannot take my pain away, but I know that many of you have tried. I dont know when I will begin to heal emotionally, but all of the physical signs of ever being pregnant are gone. My body quickly healed after 5 days of unbearable pain and doctors have told me that next month we can try again. While Jeff is preparing for his next deployment we are focusing on spending as much time together as possible. He has been my rock through this whole experience. Through his grief he continued to be there for me.
I really appreciate all of the kind words and thoughts. I know that through prayer someday we'll have our family.
God Bless!

"You're glowing"

So today I joined the girls at Chili's for a pre SEX IN THE CITY dinner. The moment I walked up I heard "you're skin is glowing" come from one of my fellow pregnant friend's mouth. That has got to be the BEST feeling in the world. I think that every pregnant woman deserves to hear those words atleast once during their pregnancy. So, if you see a fellow preggos walking down the street before you touch the beautiful basketball she's hiding beneath her shirt be sure to tell her that she's glowing. I promise you it will make her day. THANKS ELISE!! You made my evening!

P.S. SEX IN THE CITY fans ...... go see the movie. It's perfect.

Have a great day!
xoxox,
Leza