100 Days Old!

My bosses will totally kill me for posting this picture, but I just have to. I have the incredible honor of working with many wonderful people to open a brand new school. Our school is named after a heroic soldier who gave the ultimate sacrifice. Today, we celebrated 100 days of school and the school's 100th birthDAY! Our principal was so sweet to get us all cake. It was a delicious chocolate/vanilla flavor with raspberry filling...just so yummy!

Anyway, my point of this post is to see if anyone can spot the error? This is the 2nd time our school has ordered a cake from this particular grocery store and the 2nd time they misspelled a word. Perhaps we should trade free English classes for cake! Hmmm...we may have something here.

Tomorrow is a snow day...first one in over a year! So, I'm supposed to go in to work, but I live about 45 mins away and it just won't be worth the risk to get there. I'll have to use a personal day :) Good thing I have such an understanding/caring boss(es).

I plan to work my butt off tomorrow though. Lily & Raul are arriving tomorrow and this will give me time to get the grocery shopping, dogs' baths, and laundry I did not get to finish.

Currently, it is 6 degrees outside with a wind chill of -3. It started snowing as soon as the students were warm and snuggly in the building and it stopped as they were exiting the building. Then, it started as I was driving home and has not stopped since.

Our week is looking like this : (The temp on the bottom...the negatives....are with windchill....it will be -15 tomorrow)!

I think it's definately a day for toe socks and lounge pants....all day!

Taboo...the "I" word.

*This was written on Thursday, January 2th, 2011. I had to really pray before publishing it. Minor disclaimer: My full emotions are on the table.

I've made sure not to make this blog about "infertility" and "ttc" mainly because I don't really want people I see everyday to give me that look or ask "so, how are the treatments going", but this is going to be a fertility post. I apologize ahead of time. If you're not in to reading about my struggles, my insecurities, and my jealousy issues.....click on the red "x" in the top right corner of your screen now.

Thank you if you're still reading. I know I'm not the only one dealing with this...especially because I have several good friends who are going through the exact same thing, but I feel incredibly alone. It doesn't help that I always seem to be alone (meaning Jeff gone for one reason or another) when I get the crappy NEGATIVE results. It's kind of hard to explain to someone (I know many of them) who literally is sneezed on by their significant other and instantly knocked up, what it's like to constantly feel like your body is letting you down. A few years ago I never would have given this a second thought, perhaps because we got pregnant 3 times in one year, but now it's my EVERYDAY. EVERY MOMENT. EVERY THOUGHT.

Recently I decided to give up one aspect of my fertility treatments. It's not a crucial part. It's a simple sacrifice for the sake of my sanity...and Jeff's. In fact, the doctor recommended I give it up. I didn't agree at first. Everyday I was waking up only to instantly think about the "I" word. I would constantly analyze, worry, and anticipate what each day would hold and why my body was not doing what it should.

We're starting a new adventure with a new medication. Clomid. I hate this stuff. It does crazy things to my moods....and poor Jeff is the victim each time. It makes me sweat. It makes me cry at the drop of a hat. And it made me do the one thing my body was not doing before clomid. Oh wait. That's a good thing. Phew. Finally!

So, my doctor seems to think that because we are under 30 we have plenty of time. Try telling that to a horomonal infertile woman. I wanted to re-enact the scene from "Mean Girls" when she jumps over the cafeteria table and attacks the girls. But, I didn't. Anyway, so we're going to do our Clomid treatment until this summer, then see what Dr. L has in store for us next.

Insecure.

Ok so some people who know me would not say I lack confidence, but I do have insecurities. I worry (like many infertile women) that my husband will not love me if I cannot make him a father. I worry that he'll naturally move on to someone who can. If you know my husband, you know this is a stupid stupid idea. I know he loves me. He never fails to tell me....as many times a day as he can. Trust me. I adore him. But, that does not seem to change the way I feel. I once read a book about life after miscarriages and the author wrote "When my husband looks at me only days after yet another miscarriage I often wonder if he's searching for an expiration date". This is exactly how I feel sometimes....although he never looks at me like that. But, my stupid emotions make the worst of everything. Resolution #1 for 2011: Love. Every. Moment. we've had 5.5 years together without children and if our lives are meant to be without children, I know Jeff will never leave me. I know it. Time for me to believe it.

Jealousy.

Not quite a side effect of clomid, rather a reality for many women trying to conceive. I have approximately 9 people in my life expecting (or recently-like within a month) a baby. So, I'm literally S.U.R.R.O.U.N.D.E.D. by the thought of babies. Each month. week. day. it's a new announcement...and it drives me crazy! I know it's wrong. As a woman of God I ask for forgiveness nearly everday for wishing my life was just like . I know I am not supposed to envy. Boy, that's hard. Especially when you constantly beg and plead for the one thing that every one has.

I was recently going through my deployment journal from 2008. We were fresh off of miscarrying and saying goodbye for a year. What an emotional writer I am. I hd some harsh feelings at the time. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I felt envious. That's a tough thing to admit, but it's true. I felt it. And I still do.

I think this past year has been rather challenging in comparison to other years. I've waited years for Jeff to be as excited as I am about having a child. He's finally there. So, that adds a new element to my stress. It used to be just me wondering if I was pregnant, wondering if this was the month, and analyzing all of my symptoms. Now, it's the both of doing it. Imagine each time I say I'm tired. He says "you're pregnant". I love my husband SO MUCH. But, sometimes it fuels my own analysis of each cramp, twinge, and moments of exhaustion.

Ok, so I just told some of my inner-most feelings. Wow. It'll probably be a day or two before I click the big orange button. Please bare with me. Don't judge me. And please....don't feel pity for me. I hate that. Just pray for me. God has a plan....just need to pray for patience so that I can wait to experience it.

Oh, and for kicks:

Here is my daily dosage of baby making pills. They each have their own special reason for existing. The little white one is the magic pill :)

Saturday

Once again, nothing interesting to blog about today. But, I definately stayed busy. I slept in until almost 9:30 am (haven't done that in a long time....well, since last weekend anyway). The dogs were growling all night last night at our bedroom window and I kept telling them to shut up. But, when I woke up this morning I started my cleaning journey....tell you more about that later....I cleaned the front door and windows to find that almost every house on our street was egged...so I learned a lesson in this...

Next time the dogs growl at the window, I'll get up and look out side.

The rest of the day was spent cleaning, mostly to make sure our house guests coming next week are comfortable, but once I started I could not stop. So, I spring cleaned. Didn't help that today was literally like a spring day in Southern Colorado. It was a beautiful, sunny, 68 degrees here. I opened all the windows and let in fresh air while I filled the house with the fumes of cleaning products.

Because I know you're all so interested in what I did, here's my breakdown of chores I completed today:

Room 1-Kitchen

Cleaned oven (then realized it was self-cleaning)

Cleaned out the fridge (it's so bare now)

Swept the floors

Mopped

Cleaned spaghetti sauce off the walls (thanks to Buck pulling a pot off the counter)

Room 2-Living Room

Shampooed carpets

Vacuumed furniture/floors

Cleaned windows

Vacuumed/cleaned window tracks

Dusted

Room 3-Dining Room

Shampooed carpets

Washed curtains (thanks to Buck...yet again)

Dusted shelf

Touched up a paint job I completed a few weeks ago

Dusted fixtures

Room 4-Bathrooms

Scrubbed both bathtubs/showers

Swept floors

Mopped floors

Cleaned mirrors

Scrubbed all 3 toilets (gross!)

Stocked guest bathroom

Room 5-Bedroom

Vacuumed floors

Shampooed carpets

Washed sheets

Dusted furniture

Folded laundry (hardest part of the day)

straightened closet

Room 6-Loft

Vacuumed floors

Shampooed carpets

Vacuumed furniture

So, today was busy...as you can see. Tomorrow I will have just as much to do:

Teach Sunday School class

Bathe dogs

Clean up dog poop

Straighten garage

Wash truck

Re-stock fridge

Straighten/Clean out fridge

RELAX AND ENJOY MY SUNDAY!

See how exciting my life is when hubby is not here? Next week will be alot of fun. Our friends will be here and then a few days later Jeff will be home. I'm planning something very special for him in coming weeks and I'm super excited to share it with everyone, but now that he has a blog I'm afraid he'll read it...so you'll have to wait as well.

In the fertility world, our first round of clomid was not an epic failure. It allowed me body to do what it is supposed to do, except get pregnant. But, tomorrow begins my 2nd cycle on the meds so we'll see what happens next. We're praying for a 2011 baby...so we have two more months to make that happen....stay tuned!

And, just for fun....another pic of Makai.....He is OBSESSED with towels. Anytime we get out of the shower, he will bite it and try to pull it off of us. He will roll around on it, growl while he does it, and then look at us like he wants us to put it on him. This is his morning ritual...explains why I have so much laundry all the time. This year was easy to buy for him for Christmas though. Usually we just buy treats, but this year he got his own towel....which he wants nothing to do with because it doesn't smell like our body wash apparently :)

I know I put alot of pics of Makai, but that's b/c he seems to be the only one who will sit long enough to pose for a picture, he's probably the cutest, and because I know Angie enjoys seeing him.

January 24~Ordinary Day

Today was a rather disappointing day in the fertility world...but, this is not a depressing blog so I won't say anymore. I don't have much to blog about, but to keep my word to my faithful readers....um, Sam (and if anyone else reads this) I will post...something.

I said "see ya later" to hubby today. Only for 12 days though. He has the opportunity to go train for something he has been asking for since 2005. So, I know he's enjoying himself...well, he will at graduation. It's so strange being in this huge house all alone especially when I start hearing things and the dogs start barking at the air. At one point, I could have sworn the garage door opened by itself and for a moment...I panicked. I sent the lab out to the garage and had my finger on the panic button. Luckily, it was my imagination...or good hearing.

In other great news, two of our really good friends from Hawaii will be here next week! I can't wait to see them. It will be so nice to see a familiar face. I can't wait to see this girl....

My dear friend Lily!

Well, maybe this week will have something exciting to blog about....or at least continue to post cute pics of my fur babies....

Our twins! Lucki and Makai

Picture Post

Today's picture is Chloe. She's our sweet, gentle, cuddler and I love her to death. All of our dogs are bigger so they don't cuddle like she does. This particular picture was not a good day. She was on her way to the hospital b/c she couldn't keep control of her bowels...but, that was a whole other story. That was almost a year ago today so I'm happy to say she survived and she's our sweet baby girl. Her personality is so funny. She tries to keep up with the boys who are 18lbs, 24lbs, and 80lbs. She thinks she's a big dog and has control over other dogs in the neighborhood and our house! Ha! One thing that drives me crazy is the sad puppy dog eyes she gives me. I melt each time.

Anyway, I don't have anything hep to talk about today. Jeff is leaving soon for a few days for Air Assault training and he's super excited. I'm very happy for him because he's wanted this since 2005 so I know he'll do great! My parents are planning to drive down to his graduation since I can't be there.

I promise to post pictures throughout the week while he's gone and post more...if something interesting happens ;0) For now, God bless and God speed!

Weekend

This weekend was a friend's birthday from work, Kathie. Kathie and her daughter Carissa came down to my part of town and we enjoyed a breezy day on the Riverwalk. We ate lots of italian food, frozen yogurt, did a little shopping, antiquing, and lots of laughing. Here are a few pics.

Kathie & I on the riverwalk

Kathie with my pup Chloe
Kathie & Carissa on the riverwalk

Kathie goofing around at an antique store

It's not fun until you play dress up

We took a picture all together at lunch, but for some reason it won't upload. I'll work on that. Anyway, it was alot of fun to just hang out with them outside of work.

In other news, my hubby started a blog! Can you believe it? It's a blog for his motorcycle buddies though. If you want to see go over to his blog: http://sandboxvets.blogspot.com/

This week has gone so slowly for me. Maybe because I'm waiting on my tww (two week wait) to be over. I just finished my first round of some new medication and I'm anxiously waiting to see if it worked or if I'm going to be going for round 2. We're praying we finally get a mini-Jeff/Leza soon! So please pray with/for us.

This is for my newly preggo blog friend Sam....

I am trying to make it a goal to update more than once a week! If only I had something interesting to blog about......... :) Maybe I'll make it a goal to atleast post something...even if it's just pictures. So, here's my daily picture....it's Makai...making his "Do you dare leave without me" face!

Fortune?

Jeff & I went to lunch with several friends after church a few weeks ago. It was a chinese restaurant. I hate chinese food...with a passion. And that day was no exception. Anyway, those of you who me well, know the struggle we've been experiencing with starting a family. At the time of this lunch date with friends, we were anticipating the change of fertility medication. I was having difficulty deciding if it was worth the try or if I was ready to just give up. So, you can imagine my surprise when my fortune cookie read this.....

....Yes, God I hear you!

I love this website. It allows you to put in your blog address and it takes words from it and makes a shape. You can design your own. I love how I see the words "miracle", "family", "praying", "hope", and "blessed". Those are my favorite so far. Just wanted to share how it came up for my blog.