Sunday, January 30, 2011

Taboo...the "I" word.

*This was written on Thursday, January 2th, 2011. I had to really pray before publishing it. Minor disclaimer: My full emotions are on the table.

I've made sure not to make this blog about "infertility" and "ttc" mainly because I don't really want people I see everyday to give me that look or ask "so, how are the treatments going", but this is going to be a fertility post. I apologize ahead of time. If you're not in to reading about my struggles, my insecurities, and my jealousy on the red "x" in the top right corner of your screen now.

Thank you if you're still reading. I know I'm not the only one dealing with this...especially because I have several good friends who are going through the exact same thing, but I feel incredibly alone. It doesn't help that I always seem to be alone (meaning Jeff gone for one reason or another) when I get the crappy NEGATIVE results. It's kind of hard to explain to someone (I know many of them) who literally is sneezed on by their significant other and instantly knocked up, what it's like to constantly feel like your body is letting you down. A few years ago I never would have given this a second thought, perhaps because we got pregnant 3 times in one year, but now it's my EVERYDAY. EVERY MOMENT. EVERY THOUGHT.

Recently I decided to give up one aspect of my fertility treatments. It's not a crucial part. It's a simple sacrifice for the sake of my sanity...and Jeff's. In fact, the doctor recommended I give it up. I didn't agree at first. Everyday I was waking up only to instantly think about the "I" word. I would constantly analyze, worry, and anticipate what each day would hold and why my body was not doing what it should.

We're starting a new adventure with a new medication. Clomid. I hate this stuff. It does crazy things to my moods....and poor Jeff is the victim each time. It makes me sweat. It makes me cry at the drop of a hat. And it made me do the one thing my body was not doing before clomid. Oh wait. That's a good thing. Phew. Finally!

So, my doctor seems to think that because we are under 30 we have plenty of time. Try telling that to a horomonal infertile woman. I wanted to re-enact the scene from "Mean Girls" when she jumps over the cafeteria table and attacks the girls. But, I didn't. Anyway, so we're going to do our Clomid treatment until this summer, then see what Dr. L has in store for us next.


Ok so some people who know me would not say I lack confidence, but I do have insecurities. I worry (like many infertile women) that my husband will not love me if I cannot make him a father. I worry that he'll naturally move on to someone who can. If you know my husband, you know this is a stupid stupid idea. I know he loves me. He never fails to tell many times a day as he can. Trust me. I adore him. But, that does not seem to change the way I feel. I once read a book about life after miscarriages and the author wrote "When my husband looks at me only days after yet another miscarriage I often wonder if he's searching for an expiration date". This is exactly how I feel sometimes....although he never looks at me like that. But, my stupid emotions make the worst of everything. Resolution #1 for 2011: Love. Every. Moment. we've had 5.5 years together without children and if our lives are meant to be without children, I know Jeff will never leave me. I know it. Time for me to believe it.


Not quite a side effect of clomid, rather a reality for many women trying to conceive. I have approximately 9 people in my life expecting (or recently-like within a month) a baby. So, I'm literally S.U.R.R.O.U.N.D.E.D. by the thought of babies. Each month. week. day. it's a new announcement...and it drives me crazy! I know it's wrong. As a woman of God I ask for forgiveness nearly everday for wishing my life was just like . I know I am not supposed to envy. Boy, that's hard. Especially when you constantly beg and plead for the one thing that every one has.

I was recently going through my deployment journal from 2008. We were fresh off of miscarrying and saying goodbye for a year. What an emotional writer I am. I hd some harsh feelings at the time. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I felt envious. That's a tough thing to admit, but it's true. I felt it. And I still do.

I think this past year has been rather challenging in comparison to other years. I've waited years for Jeff to be as excited as I am about having a child. He's finally there. So, that adds a new element to my stress. It used to be just me wondering if I was pregnant, wondering if this was the month, and analyzing all of my symptoms. Now, it's the both of doing it. Imagine each time I say I'm tired. He says "you're pregnant". I love my husband SO MUCH. But, sometimes it fuels my own analysis of each cramp, twinge, and moments of exhaustion.

Ok, so I just told some of my inner-most feelings. Wow. It'll probably be a day or two before I click the big orange button. Please bare with me. Don't judge me. And please....don't feel pity for me. I hate that. Just pray for me. God has a plan....just need to pray for patience so that I can wait to experience it.

Oh, and for kicks:

Here is my daily dosage of baby making pills. They each have their own special reason for existing. The little white one is the magic pill :)


Tracy said...

Clomid and I had a love/hate relationship. I was glad that it was doing what needed to be done, but I hated what it did to my emotions. And the sweating. Oh, the sweating. ick!

You know, I STILL struggle with jealousy. That's even after the birth of Isaac. I struggle with jealousy when people have perfectly healthy pregnancies. Its hard, because I don't WANT my friends to have hurt or miscarriages. But, its hard on me to know how painful our journey had to be. Does that make sense?

Sam said...

Leza that was so well written! I know exactly how you feel, it is so hard being surrounded by preggos when it's a struggle to TTC. I can't even count the times I have cried (literally)to my husband after new announcements, or complaints from all the preggos that it's just "so tough" being pregnant. I know it doesn't help much, but my husband says this to me every time - It will make us better parents, it will make us appreciate our children so much more than the regular parent. I know it's not long for you, I just know it! Like I said I know that doesn't help much, but just wanted to tell you anyways. You are so strong girl! I am sending giant hugs! =)

Oh and I think I can pick out the clomid, the metformin, and the little beige-ish pill, is that folic acid? just taking a guess, that's what mine looks like lol.

Leza said...

Tracy it makes total sense. It's just part of our perfectly imperfect lives and how jealousy is just a part of life. It's impossible for us to deny it. I hate how I feel so jealous of people who waited just as long as I did and yet I know someday I'll still want more....humans are such complex beings ha.

Sam-thank you. It was so hard to put in to words how I feel without sounding like a selfish brat. I appreciate your kind words. My hubby always says to things like that and my family tries so hard too by saying it'll make our baby that much more special because everyone was anticipating it. It does help to hear it, because I know it's true. I'm such an impatient person. Wish I could change that. I do have to say though the no temping thing is wonderful! I don't wake up stressing about it of course it's probably going to be a little more tough once hubby gets home. The little yellow is one the baby aspirin to counteract with the clomid's not-so-nice way of thinning the lining....which I don't think is a problem just yet...thank goodness.