Take a number

I've always been the kind of person that stands in line without noise, I patiently wait my turn as my number is called and I always let someone with less groceries or items in front me so they dont have to wait any longer. So, is it coming back to haunt me? Am I letting people in front of me while I patiently wait to become a mother? I am overjoyed and extremely excited to say that I'm going to be an Aunt. My oldest sister is almost 3 months along and having her first baby....totally unexpected. So, since she is older did she get my number? There are about 8 babies on the way or already here that I have met or will be related to. I look at these babies with a smile and wonder "when will you have a little cousin or friend to play with?" I lovelovelove holding babies and witnessing their pure innocence but after the babies leave, the doors close and I'm all alone I cry, beg, pray and wonder: When will it be my turn? Since Jeff just left two weeks ago and we have another 50 weeks to go before we can be reunited and start trying again I am forced to deal with my emotions from the 3 most recent losses. I guess my number now is wayyyy at the end of the line. Most women that I know do not have to deal with this issue...or do they? No one that I know has had to wonder "when can we try again....next month, next week, next cycle...." I do not have my husband, it is physically impossible for us to try again. I have one immediate friend (great friend!) who is struggling to have a baby as well and while her circumstances are similar; they are VERY different. Her husband makes "deposits" to a hosptial promising to make her a baby, and when they "feel" they are ovulating THEY TRY! So, now as I impatiently sit and wait for my husband's return from this war....I have to wonder WHAT WILL OUR NUMBER BE? I often wonder if I'm completely alone in this process. While my husband is wonderful and tries his best to comfort me he's over 10,000 miles away and cannot begin to understand how I am feeling. He had his time to grieve and I think he is done...but I am not. He often asks "are you still having a hard time with this"; I just smile and say "no" but what I really want to say is....

IT'S NOT FAIR!
NO, I'M NOT OK.
I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME!
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO BE PARENTS???
WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?
I CANNOT STOP CRYING.
HELP ME JEFF!

Those are my true feelings. Feelings that I do not want to burden him with while he works to help the Iraqi people. I do not have any friends who understand. So, while I sit and hold these beautiful babies that God gave my friends, cousins, sisters, family members I want to say "little one, before you came did you have a number while waiting for a mommy?" If you haven't lost a pregnancy or said goodbye to someone you never met you cannot possibly understand what it feels like. I remember saying to Jeff on May 23, 2008 'I have something to tell you...you're going to be a daddy". I remember hearing his expressions and knowing that he had a huge smile on his face and while our excitement continued the day we saw the heartbeat for the first time I just remember thinking "this time next year.....we will have a newborn". Well, it's been 4 months and two more losses....and still not any closer to a newborn. When will it be my turn?

I guess this entry should be in my personal journal and not plastered for everyone to see....I have this fear that the next time you see me you look at me with empathy and ask me if I"m ok. Of course, I'm going to say I'm fine but what I really want to say is ..... "What number do you have....am I after you?" (this applies b/c literally EVERYONE I know except maybe one friend is expecting a miracle in the next few months). I kind of kept this to myself but October was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month....in addition to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It was also the day before I said goodbye (once again) to my husband and watched him leave for war. So, that day was special and horrible for me. I secretly wanted to burn a candle for each of our angel babies and remember the short time I knew they were in there. But, since it was suppose to be our last moments together I just kept them in my heart. Well, now since I have an empty bedroom and plenty of lonely nights I lit a few candles and cried myself to sleep a few days ago. Silly? I dont think so....it helped me. I constantly try to think of how I can always be reminded of my angel babies...should I get a piece of memorial jewelry, make a memory book (but what do you put in it?), constantly write (i tried that), or do I just try to forget?

So, when I finally get my number and I finally hear "congratulations" and I finally have something to be excited about.....I will NOT let anyone in front of me in the line....I want my chance.

Healing

So, tonight as I went to bed alone I began to remember the pain of losing my babies. I know some people think I should be over it by now or moving on...but the truth is, whether you lose a baby at 4 weeks, 7 weeks, 9 months or 9 years the pain is great. My heart aches for the cries I never got to hear, the baby I never got to smell and the birth I never got to experience. I wrote in my journal, I cried to my husband, I read other blogs and nothing seemed to make the tears go away. So, I decided to write a poem that expressed how much I miss my babies. The poem is about the most devistating one; while each of them are horrible and I always wonder...what if? why? how many more?...etc the loss in June is sometimes unbearable. While I often wonder how I will go on I remember that God is giving me opportunities for strength and reminds me that He does have better plans for my life. So, I wanted to share my deepest feelings with you in my poem. I feel honored to carry these babies for such a short time and give them a warm place until God called them home. Please enjoy my latest memorial to my babies!

Baby Strayer

We saw your heartbeat at only 7 weeks
It was beautiful and perfect
God granted us that one peek

Our joy shown through our tears
Daddy loved you; he could not believe his eyes
He instantly pictured the next eighteen years.

A Yankee fan you would be
“Whether boy or girl”, he said.
“They’ll love NY, you will see.”

Within 24 hours, your life was cut short
Our dreams for you had vanished
We envisioned nothing of this sort.

Now, you have gone to visit with God
A brother, a sister, a grandma and more
My life has changed without you here;
I will never know the future that you had in store.

I pray that you hear me, know you are missed
And someday when I hold you in Heaven
The first thing I will do is give you a kiss.

From your cloud in Heaven, watch over me and dad
As we struggle without you
And try not to be sad.

~Author, Leza Strayer

Decisions, Decisions

**UPDATE** After giving it much much thought and weighing my options...I've decided that the timing is not right. I'd miss Jeff's r&r, homecoming and the first 3 months of him being home....so I think I will either post pone that dream or move on to other things....i.e. Police Force. Hopefully something comes up b/c I have a degree sitting on the wall not being used...and a bill that says I have to pay for it whether I use it or not...lol


Long story....very short. Vote on my poll. Should I join the Air Force? So far, the pros outweigh the cons....yes, hubby would remain in the Army. Tell me what you think....

VOTE TODAY!

A mouse, my boxspring and Jeff's Sgt

So, once in a while my cat Sassie decides she would like to escape into the great outdoors. Now, anyone who knows her will know that it is a very rare event for her to grace us with her presence during day light hours. Today, as I returned home from the gym I was typing on the computer (surprise, surprise) and as I see her run past she has a tiny tail sticking out of her mouth...my cat would hunt a giraffe if it meant she got to chase something. I quickly ran after her only to find her completely disappear under the bed (there is nothing under there for her to hide under or behind) then i notice she has buried herself INSIDE the box spring...this is something she mastered a long time ago as her hiding spot. So, I quickly brainstorm...call EVERY man that I know so I dont have to touch anything.....after 5 or 6 tries I finally get a hold of one of the Rear D commanders. He's the husband of one of my close friends, THANKS AGAIN TANJA!!



So, for your amusement here is a picture of the little creature buried inside my boxspring. What an adventure on such a boring day!!



p.s. The little mouse was dead by the time he got to it. But, I did think about releasing him into the wild...instead, he has a happy permanent home inside the dumpster :(

7 random things....

Ok so I've seen alot of blogs doing this so people can get to know one another...so I'm going to start and tag others...hopefully people keep this up and I can add more bloggers. :)

We begin by saying 7 random facts about ourselves...I'll start with..

1. I always want my toenails to be pink. I think it looks good with pale or tan skin and you can never go TOO pink.

2. My dream house will have cathedral ceilings, brick on the outside, a bright red door, soft green grass, white trim all around the rooms and a very big back porch. (so now all we need is a permanent duty station.)

3. My cat back home with my folks is a little obese. But, dont tell her that she might attack you in your sleep.

4. I am very determined to lose 30lbs during this deployment...only to gain it back when hubby returns because I just love to spend time with him rather than work out.

5. I get frustrated when things don't happen when I want them to. i.e.babies, husband's return...etc.

6. I have many great friends back in SC that I do not talk to, but I KNOW if I ever needed them they would be there for me.

7. I was saved on a random Sunday, in a random church on the northshore of Oahu island. I didnt get in front of the church and announce it, I didnt raise my hand for all to see. I simply prayed the Lord's prayer and have been trying to live the life of a Christian since that day. No I do not remember the date, because like most christians I have made mistakes along the way and I ask for forgiveness and do better the next week.


ok so now I'm tagging you.

1. Crystal Gail and Danielle
2. Krissy Johnson
3. Kristy and Adam

and anyone else who is thinking of becoming a blogger. I know that i have many myspace friends who should do this.....

TAG YOU'RE IT!

John Waller says it best....

So, while reading through the many blogs that interest me at 3am I found this wonderful music video. It's a song that many many people can relate to. The overall message is that while you're waiting for whatever....worship God and make him proud. I am waiting for so many things....hoping that they happen on MY plan and when I want them to. I am working on surrendering my fears, impatience, and dreams over to Him and allow them to happen when He is ready.

Saying goodbye to Jeff last week (again) was the hardest of the last 6 times we have done this, but this time I have peace in my heart that God will bring him home. That doesnt mean I dont have fears and cry myself to sleep every night. I am just confident that God is in control and He will watch over him...along with Jeff's many angels.

I am waiting on our miracle baby whether it come in a 9 month package that I carry, on a plane from a far away orphanage, through an invitro "project" or through another's womb....I am learning to relinquish my desires over to God. I am waiting on Him to decide that I am ready. I am being forced to be patient for the next 12 months which allows my body and heart to heal from my most recent losses. I constantly pray "Lord, let my body create a life that you can be proud of. p.s. let it be soon". He probably smiles and giggles each time he hears my request and in His own way tells me "Be patient my child". If only I could see EXACTLY what he wants me to do in the meantime...hmmm

Ok, now enjoy the video. If you are waiting for whatever...a reunion, a child, anything at all just take a moment and listen to the words by John Waller. I will lift you up in prayer if you would like as we all continue to WAIT.

Creative Leza

I had the idea of making fun cakes..stolen from a tv show. So my first project was Jackie's birthday cake this past week. She is from Texas and a huge Longhorn fan so this is what I came up with....so far, we've eaten El Paso and a little of Houston. LOL



I MUST SAY...I'M PRETTY PROUD OF MYSELF :)

Busy last few weeks....and deployment

So, Jeff & I had a wonderful last few weeks together getting tattoos (I will post pics of Jeff's soon....tribute to New York Yankees), going ot the beach, enjoying dinner with friends, and just spending quality time together. Here are a few pictures of our adventures together and last few hours together before Jeff left for Iraq (again) tonight.

My Tattoo: (Memorial for my 3 most recent miscarriages)



Jeff and his BFF Rob preparing to tackle the 15 foot waves at North shore


Jeff's fish (I swear it's bigger in person....lol)


Makai LOVES the wind in his face..just like daddy:


Our last night:


DEPLOYMENT NIGHT (WARNING:TEARS MAY OCCUR)

Me and My wonderful hubby:


My WONDERFUL husband:


Jeff and his BFF tonight:


My FAVORITE thing in the world, Kisses from Jeffbug:


His smile will stay with me 365 days: